Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:atellam says:
Oh, god. I've seen this movie. It turned me into a crying wreck, and reading this brought back all of those memories. I loved the quotes entwined with the one-shot, it was a beautiful touch, especially for me; someone that's seen the film. Nicholas Sparks will be the death of me, I swear.

Alright, now my rant is over, I can get down to some actual feedback.

First of all, your formatting needs work, and you need to remember when a new character is talking, they need a new line. The forums would be amazing help with this, and i'd check out (Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines -> then pretty much go nuts, as they all have to much to offer. I learnt loads form here, and do hope you give the articles a read.)

I felt Dumbledore was OOC, as at his old age (even in the Marauders Era) he would never run. You might want to change it to something like, 'walked briskly along the corridor towards me' or something like that. I also think that at the beginning, you jump straight in with a OOC side of Sirius, one that isn't really associated with him. Throughout the story, this becomes explained, but I really feel it should be established earlier in the plot as to why he's acting out of character (love does crazy things to people.)

There was a fair bit in the Hospital Wing scene where I had no idea who was actually talking, so i'd take a look at your dialogue tags. Another idea could be to get a 'Quick Beta'. (Story Help/Information -> Help Needed -> Beta Reading Offered/Wanted ->One Shots: Quick Beta's -> then scroll through and find someone in which your story fits their criteria.)

All of that aside, I did like this, and it was fluffy and cute. An interesting change from other Sirius/OC one-shots i've read recently. The idea of using the quotes was lovely, as I said before, and I hope you do well in the challenges this was entered in.

(I'm getting onto your other chapter soon btw. I'm still recovering from my cold and trying to catch up on my reviews, but it's next on my list. Sorry about the delay.)

- Adele :)

Author's Response: Haha, it was such a good movie though!

Yeah..I do have issues with that..>.< I didn't know that, thanks. I'll check it out.

I was debating whether or not to say he ran, but I thought any other way to put it either sounded like McGonagall or it sounded too casual.

Thanks again! :)

Aw, I do hope you feel better! It's okay, I'm having writers block on the next chapter anyway. :')

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net