Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Tonks1247 says:
Hello! This is Nymphie Tonks from the forums, with your requested review! :)

As I’ve mentioned, I really don’t have a lot of experience in this era. It is an entirely new thing for me, but I’m more than glad I got the opportunity to read this. Because really, this was quite good. I know there isn’t a lot really into this era yet, but I like the start you have on this. The first paragraph really drew me in and had me interested in reading more. I wanted to see what more you had written.

And I quite enjoyed reading the different characters you introduced. There were quite a lot of them, but you really defined each of them in a way that was easy to tell who was talking. My only caution, not that you did a bad job in this chapter at all, is make sure you use the character’s name when you switch who you’re writing about. Just because it could get a little confusing with your characters.

The plot is still a little fuzzy, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You set up this chapter in a way that introduces the different characters and personalities quite well. And with that, I’m sure the plot will be laid out nicely as soon as I get to reading more chapters. So I wouldn’t worry about that too much here.

Flow wise, this was pretty good. There were some phrasing issues that sort of took away from the flow[I’ll comment on those in a second], but besides those, it worked well. There was a common aspect when you switched from one character to another and that really helped bring this chapter together as a whole. I am quite excited to get to read more.

Now I’ll jump into some of those phrasing issues and a couple other nitpicky things that I tend to get into [Grammar, spelling, and such]. [I also know it looks like a lot, but I quoted some of the passages, so it looks like it’s more than it really is].

“She was familiar with the old stories; she had always known that this was possible... But now. When it actually happened, the thing she had so been longing for.
She couldn’t do it. She would not. It was… wrong. Really wrong.” –This you have split into two separate paragraphs. And while that’s okay, I think you could edit this up a little bit to help flow wise. My suggestion would be: “She was familiar with the old stories; she had always known that this was possible... But now, when it actually happened, the thing she had so been longing for? She couldn’t do it. She would not. It was…wrong. Really wrong.” –and then start a new paragraph with the line that follows after ‘Really wrong.’

“No the reason was that May had changed during the past months.” –Comma needs to be put in place after ‘No.’

“If she was to say a certain point that she had changed that would be it. When she had made the decision to climb down instead of leaving it the way it was.” –The first sentence is a bit awkward, wording wise. So with that, I would suggest: “If she had to pick a certain point in which her world changed, that would be: when she had made the decision to climb down instead of leaving it the way it was.”

The last thing has to do when Allie was talking to Tom. Half of the time he is called a Prefect, and other times he was called Head Boy. He would only be one or the other, so you may want to look at that.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. I love your characters and cannot wait to move on to the next chapter! Great job!

~Grimmerz

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review and all the CC :)

I'll look into the suggestions you have, and I'll definitely edit this chapter later today so that it's clearer.

I'm very happy that you found it intreguing and a bit fuzzy cause thats the sort of mystic-sense I like the story to have, you never know who's bad or who's good.

I'm delighted that the many characters didnt confuse you, I've realised that introducing three main characters maintaining in different groups in one chapter could be quite risky, so I'm happy that you felt it worked well with the format and all :)

Again thank you so much for the review and I'm very glad you gave it a shot :)

*hugsies*
Cheery

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net