Hello! This is Nymphie Tonks from the forums, with your requested review! :)
As I’ve mentioned, I really don’t have a lot of experience in this era. It is an entirely new thing for me, but I’m more than glad I got the opportunity to read this. Because really, this was quite good. I know there isn’t a lot really into this era yet, but I like the start you have on this. The first paragraph really drew me in and had me interested in reading more. I wanted to see what more you had written.
And I quite enjoyed reading the different characters you introduced. There were quite a lot of them, but you really defined each of them in a way that was easy to tell who was talking. My only caution, not that you did a bad job in this chapter at all, is make sure you use the character’s name when you switch who you’re writing about. Just because it could get a little confusing with your characters.
The plot is still a little fuzzy, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You set up this chapter in a way that introduces the different characters and personalities quite well. And with that, I’m sure the plot will be laid out nicely as soon as I get to reading more chapters. So I wouldn’t worry about that too much here.
Flow wise, this was pretty good. There were some phrasing issues that sort of took away from the flow[I’ll comment on those in a second], but besides those, it worked well. There was a common aspect when you switched from one character to another and that really helped bring this chapter together as a whole. I am quite excited to get to read more.
Now I’ll jump into some of those phrasing issues and a couple other nitpicky things that I tend to get into [Grammar, spelling, and such]. [I also know it looks like a lot, but I quoted some of the passages, so it looks like it’s more than it really is].
“She was familiar with the old stories; she had always known that this was possible... But now. When it actually happened, the thing she had so been longing for.
She couldn’t do it. She would not. It was… wrong. Really wrong.” –This you have split into two separate paragraphs. And while that’s okay, I think you could edit this up a little bit to help flow wise. My suggestion would be: “She was familiar with the old stories; she had always known that this was possible... But now, when it actually happened, the thing she had so been longing for? She couldn’t do it. She would not. It was…wrong. Really wrong.” –and then start a new paragraph with the line that follows after ‘Really wrong.’
“No the reason was that May had changed during the past months.” –Comma needs to be put in place after ‘No.’
“If she was to say a certain point that she had changed that would be it. When she had made the decision to climb down instead of leaving it the way it was.” –The first sentence is a bit awkward, wording wise. So with that, I would suggest: “If she had to pick a certain point in which her world changed, that would be: when she had made the decision to climb down instead of leaving it the way it was.”
The last thing has to do when Allie was talking to Tom. Half of the time he is called a Prefect, and other times he was called Head Boy. He would only be one or the other, so you may want to look at that.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. I love your characters and cannot wait to move on to the next chapter! Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review and all the CC :)
I'll look into the suggestions you have, and I'll definitely edit this chapter later today so that it's clearer.
I'm very happy that you found it intreguing and a bit fuzzy cause thats the sort of mystic-sense I like the story to have, you never know who's bad or who's good.
I'm delighted that the many characters didnt confuse you, I've realised that introducing three main characters maintaining in different groups in one chapter could be quite risky, so I'm happy that you felt it worked well with the format and all :)
Again thank you so much for the review and I'm very glad you gave it a shot :)