Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Elenia says:
Hey! Elenia here with your review! Sorry that it took me so long to do this but I was too busy writing my own story (x

First of all, let me congratulate you on a very original story! At least I've never read this kind of a story before! Excellent idea! I really liked this. It was beautifully written and I loved the atmosphere in the whole chapter! You described everything really well.

Alexa is so cute! She's really thoughtful for a girl so young. Few times I stopped to think were the things she was going through in her head really something a six year old would ponder, but it really wasn't that big of a problem. She was going through a though time after all because her dad left. That would make even a little girl think about difficult things.

I think you did a great job on Sirius. I liked it the little mentions like he ate like a dog etc. Oh, and how he was barely able to hold himself together, but managed to do it quite well. I guess he didn't want to scare the little girl who was so kind to him even though she had no reason to be.

The ending was just perfect and really moving. It was my favourite part of the whole story. Such an amazing way to conclude it all. It made me so sad that he left without saying goodbye, but at the same time so happy that she got her daddy back. And the childlike thought of him being a wizard who granted her wish after she helped him, it was perfection really.

About flow, I think you managed on it really well. Only few little spots that I would maybe change a bit:

+ 'I nearly screamed right out loud when I saw him because he was sitting (crouching) so still I hardly noticed him before he turned his head and looked right at me and it made me jump like Marcus makes me when he creeps up behind me and thinks he's being funny.'
- That's a REALLY long sentence! I suggest cutting it in half and maybe play with the structure a bit. It would help it flow much better. Like: 'I nearly screamed out loud when I first saw him. He was barely visible, crouching in the corner, but the movement of his head when I entered caught my attention. The man looked right at me and it made me jump; just like Marcus does when he creeps up behind me and thinks he's being funny.'
Just a suggestion, I bet you can think of a better way (:

+'Then Mummy came into the garden and started shouting "Alexa! Alexa!" and I guessed...'
- I think this sentence interrupted the flow a bit. It might be just me, but I think the word 'then' in the beginning does that. I always try to avoid using it because of that. Maybe circle around it by saying: 'The garden was suddenly filled with Mummy's voice. "Alexa! Alexa!" she called and I guessed...'
Something like that?

Anyways, amazing story. I'm really glad that you requested and I got to read this! So thank you for that and I hope I was helpful even a little bit (:

Author's Response: Thankyou so much for such a detailed review!! I'm so glad you enjoyed reading :) Thanks for pointing out some of the flow issues- I will definitely have a look at those sentences you mentioned...
This has been really helpful and encouraging- thankyou again for taking the time to have a look :)

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 389
Submit Report: