Hi, Scarletroses here for your review! It'll be a bit long, so bare with me, yeah?
I'm not a big grammar person, so I can't exactly go into detail on that. I think you might want to go in and fix the spacing and all that, just because it can turn someone off to a story if they are unsure of where to take a breather when they are reading it in their head. That's just a small formatting thing, however (I have this problem as well from simply pasting it onto here). People like to read a story that looks organized. Weird, I know, but it is how these wacky people are nowadays.
I absolutely loved all of your dialogue within the story. You hit my funny bone multiple times. I think that is something major as well. The way Jennifer acts is very consistent in her dialogue, which is something that not a lot of authors seem to realize is an important aspect of writing. I feel that dialogue is the most important part to any story and you hit that spot on. Amazing job!
Now I have to be a little negative, but it's constructive criticism, I swear! I know you're trying to make every chapter interesting, but sometimes, only a few big "scenes" are necessary in a chapter. Some chapters may just be completely boring, but that's how it has to be. They're the fillers in your story. You're going very fast-paced and jumping around a lot.
I think you need to sit back and explain some things to the readers, such as: the relationship between Jennifer and Lily, the relationship between Jennifer and the Marauders, and maybe how Jennifer knows about Remus being a werewolf. A filler chapter may be necessary for all of this. You have a lot going on in every chapter and it is kind of making me lose sight of what you're trying to convey with the whole story.
Honestly, I think in order for you to get back into the swing and get a lot of readers, all you need is a few filler chapters. This story has so much potential, it's ridiculous. Really, it is. I'm actually going to follow it, if you don't mind. Though I'm not sure who is going to be Jennifer's love interest (you might want to clarify this), I'm sure you have it all sorted out.
I'm a very realistic person, so I didn't feel as though the characters were real enough. I feel as though all of them have to have distinct characteristics, which you highlighted, but didn't go into detail about. I'm a very detailed person, though, so that might just be me.
Might I suggest writing an overview of where you think the story is going to be headed? This always helps me. I even do a chapter-to-chapter outline, that's how pathetic I am.
Overall, great story. It seems like its actually going somewhere! Keep in mind that fillers are important and maybe go back in and format things a bit (I'm a hypocrite, I know).
Author's Response: Haha, thank you for this. :) It really helped. I do plan to do another dramatic scene where Lily explodes. It should explain a lot of the back stories hopefully.
I'm not entirely sure where this is going actually. I just sat down one day and began writing.
Honestly, I didn't have to reach far for Jen's comments, this is sort of me haha. I'm quite sarcastic and I've always loved the girls in stories that aren't necessarily tom boys, but can definitely hold their own in a battle of words. Thank you for the criticism on the dialogue, I find that comes quite easily for me.
I had issues with the formatting, I know. It kept trying to make it all bold so eventually I just gave up and submitted it.
Again, thanks. This really was useful.