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Review:ginerva_molly_weasley says:
This story is very cute :)

I like the fact that Teddy's the one who's dying and the onomatopoeic sound of 'bump' really enhances that.

The emotion in this piece is nice because although you don';t realise what Teddy is actually dying from you see the concern from the people around him such as James, Albus and Lily who want to be with him.

As this is a short piece I felt like you could have included a little more description of the surroundings and maybe even of Teddy's condition to make the reader truly connect with Teddy. I felt like rather than being in the story I was a little bit of a bystander?

Also the last paragraph with the little speech Teddy makes seems a little forced. Maybe go over that or read it aloud as it just seems disjointed and not something someone would naturally say. The sentiment in there is nice to see though.

There isn't any grammar problems that were major, maybe just a few commas missing or commas where there needed to be semi colon's but nothing you would really notice unless you went looking for it :)

8/10

Author's Response: Thanks Summer! :D

I'll be sure to work on those little things :) Thanks for the rating!

Mike.


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