Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! (Which has taken too long, but hopefully you will forgive me.)
A few mechanical notes first:
The first line of the fic is "Dancing in the Moonlight." I'm not sure if that's intentional or if it's the title and just got copied and pasted in with the story, but it feels a bit out of place as is.
In the beginning, you mention detention as a catalyst, but I never really understood how. You mention that they both got detention, but you didn't say anything more about it (unless I missed it). That left me feeling a little confused.
I also noticed a few typos:
- In the fifth paragraph: I think it should be "stops and stares at her," not "stops a stares at her."
- Not exactly a typo, but in the ninth paragraph: you say "She still caught my breath all the while." I wasn't sure about "all the while" as a description there - "all the while" is usually used more to mean "at the same time as," and typically over a significant stretch of time. I think that this would have been stronger if you'd changed your wording a bit and perhaps added a few examples of when she caught his breath. Was it in the hallway? In the Great Hall? By the lake? A few specifics would have really helped give it depth, you know?
- In the first paragraph, you didn't have an ending quote at the end of the question.
- In the sixth paragraph, you should have had a period (or an ellipsis, which might have worked better here) rather than a comma after, "Actually, Professor," because "I knew she would say that" isn't a dialogue tag (something that helps identify who is speaking and how - "he said," "I called," "she replied," etc).
- In the ninth paragraph, I wasn't really clear on why you capitalised "Red Haired." It's not a proper noun.
- In the eighth and thirteenth paragraphs, shouldn't it have been "Rosie," not "Rossie?"
I felt like you didn't always make your section breaks in the cleanest of ways.
For example, the italicised bit in between the intro and the scene in Potions class was a little awkward and unnecessary. It's not that it's bad to have any label, just to clarify things a bit, but having the three lines with so much information just felt excessive. I honestly think you probably could have done without any of it, but you certainly didn't need the "Gryffindor and Slytherin," and you probably didn't need the professor's name. It's just unnecessary detail that weighs the story down without really adding anything to it.
The break between the second and the third section, on the other hand, came off abrupt and awkward to me. I feel like you didn't really need it - you could have instead just included a transition, "After class, Rose came up to me," or something, which would have helped the flow a lot. Alternatively, I think that you could have summarised it in he third one - a mention of him correcting her in Potions and of her being offended would have been all you'd need, and then you could have gone on to the rest of the section. As is, the second section is just so devoid of description and anything really substantive that for me, at least, it just weighed the chapter down.
Similarly, I felt like you could have easily just summarised the first part of the fourth section rather than making the awkward jump. A simple, "She gave us two weeks worth of detention, and sent us off to class. The moment the door closed, our read haired beauty was gone," or something along those lines, would have made the story flow much smoother.
The problem with all of the section breaks and jumps is that they're often not really separating much substance. My general rule of thumb is that no more than one section break should be used per 1000 words in a chapter. That doesn't mean you need to wait a thousand words to use it, but that if you have a two thousand word chapter, you shouldn't have more than two section breaks throughout it. Now, the nature of this fic gives you a bit more leeway, but still, all of them were starting to get excessive. One for the intro, one for fourth year, one for fifth year, and one for seventh year would have felt much smoother to me.
I also thought that the description could use a little work. Especially around dialogue, there often just wasn't enough to break it up - I don't think that fics required long flowing descriptions, but something more that just facial expressions and dialogue tags would have been nice. Use more detail - for example, how did Rose say, "No ma'am." Did she glare at Malfoy? Did she look at the floor? I mentioned it above as well - details give a story life.
I also want to make a quick note about characterisation. The way she reacts to him in their seventh year and the fact that it's only then that he started to think, "Maybe I could love a Weasley after all" didn't really seem to fit with me if they were kissing in their fifth year. I don't know about you, but when I've gotten involved with people, it hasn't taken two or three years for our dynamic to change. That felt unrealistic to me. For him, it would have seemed more natural if you'd had him wondering if he could love a Weasley after all in his fifth year, and then deciding that he did in his seventh year. For her, it would have been nice if she'd been a bit less unfriendly and standoffish.
I think part of the problem for characterisation for me came from a few of the cliches I noticed. In their fourth year, you mention the entire class disliking Scorpius (or at least, thinking that he's "dirty") - that wasn't really relevant to the rest of the story and felt out of place to me. Similarly, the way Rose goes off at Scorpius for chasing after other girls… I'm not saying that you can't make it work, but I do think that you need to include some explanation for why what happened in their fifth year didn't stick.
Author's Response: I totally see where you are coming from. Thank you so much for all of it! It means alot to me! I will certainly make some revisions to this! :)