Hi, i'm finally here for your review! Sorry if the wait seemed long, i've been busy trying to catch up with school and the other reviews :D
So about this, first off, you asked about spelling/grammar, that is not something i do in my reviews, but i do suggest getting a beta if you are worried about it because I did notice a few things here and there. The spacing seemed really odd as well and made it hard to read. Be sure to make spaces between lines when a new person speaks. I would suggest just taking a look at other peopleís stories to see how things are formatted to get a better idea of what to do yourself.
Things seemed to be a little clunky and the flow is a little off as well. I think if you work on your description things will flow better. I felt like it was very dialogue driven and i wasn't really able to capture anything that was happening around them. Someone once gave me the advice that when writing try to capture the senses. In other words, write so that you are speaking to the sense of a person, taste, smell, touch, sight. That sort of thing so the story is really jumping out at the readers. I think you've done great since this is your first ff, it's just something to remember as you continue writing.
Your dialogue though, was very well done and seemed to flow very naturally from their lips. I like your characterization of Lily and Jen and i like the banter between them. I also like Jen so far, she seems very witty and fun. We don't know too much about her but her inner monologue is fun to follow along with. Be sure to keep fleshing her out and remember that the more situations we your character in the more we will come to know her and sympathize with her.
I really appreciated that interaction with Sirius, i tend to be overly critical of him in people's stories but i think, so far, you've put on a little more of a unique flare on him by not labelling him as a playboy but perhaps just someone who a lot of girls thought was extremely attractive.
At this point, i'm not entirely sure what to expect with this story, which is usually something that would be hinted at in the first chapter. I'm assuming there is going to be a Lily/Remus/James triangle of some sort perhaps? And an OC/Sirius plot line. I think you have interesting characters to play with so far and i'd be interested to see where you do go with this and i think you have a good start, especially for a first ff, they can be really daunting but keep at it, i think you'll be great.
Author's Response: Haha, thanks. :)
This was beta'd..betaed...beta...? What ever. ;) I had a Beta for this chapter for the spelling and what not.
Hm, I was worried about flow. Yeah, I do always have issues when I'm writing about description.
Thank you on the dialogue and characterisations. I've never really seen Sirius as a playboy, more like people wish he was.
The second chapter gives a bit more to the actual plot. This chapter was more of a filler, intro thing.
And maybe, on the triangle thing. ;)