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Review:Remus says:
Perelandra from the forums here with your review!

You said you wanted to go with flow and description. Well, honestly you're lacking in description and therefore it kill the flow. You have a cute story but the way its written, it's lacking "beef" as I like to call it.

Description is what paints the picture, not just the actions the characters are doing.
For example:

Her eyes bore into mine.

"“Do you trust me?”


I kissed her then. I didn’t want to stop kissing her either, until she pushed me away".

What did Malfoy feel at never being trusted by the girl he didn't think he fancied? What kind of look did Rose have? Adding extra details helps the reader become engaged. When it comes to painting a picture, all you have do is add the setting, otherwise the readers are left with a blank canvas with two people talking.

Suppose that's all I could point out.

Keep writing!


Author's Response: I deffenintly see where you are coming from..this was very helpful, thank you!

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