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Review:DracoFerret11 says:
Hey there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here with your review. So, we'll talk about your concerns first, then I'll chat about my we go!

Characterization: I think you wrote this beautifully. I think Lily's character was really brought out in the way the story moved. Very well done. The only thing that you might want to change is making it more obvious who the speaker is before the second to last paragraph. I didn't know who was talking, so I had to re-skim once I realized it was Lily. But I think you captured her feelings about being called a "mudblood" very well.

Flow: the beginning was choppy, to be honest. It seemed to repeat itself, but not in a completely coherent way. The first paragraph, and then the third one (after the paragraph that's just a sentence) were a bit confusing. I could tell what you were trying to say, but the round-about way you had of getting there made it a little difficult to grasp.

Now, to my thoughts:

I really liked the paragraph where she talks about the Minister of Magic and how "unity" would help them more than long-winded speeches. And I think you really captured the essence of this whole story in the final paragraph. I got tingles!

This story, especially that last paragraph, was beautiful. I really loved Lily's realizations that one word can destroy a friendship, even one that was so strong. And she knows that things can't be the same, even if she would love them to. It was very emotional at the end and I liked that a lot.

Within the word-count restraint, I think you did wonderfully. It's not easy to write something so short! I've never done it, that's for sure. Though...this story may have inspired me to try...anyhow: I think you did very well for the prompt.

Great job explaining her emotions. Try to make the beginning more clear: maybe reading it aloud will show you the choppy places? And other than that, you're golden. Good job!


Author's Response: Hey,

I get what you're saying about the scatteredness of those paragraphs. I was worried about it but it's sometimes hard to be objective with your own writing and delete the things you've written. I'm so glad you've given me your honest opinion and i've actually gone back and hopefully fixed that up a bit to make it a bit more coherent. I hope it's better now.

I made it a little more obvious with the speaker and mentioned briefly her hair but i like the anonymity of it and how it could be anyone until that last moment when it all makes sense.

Thank you so much for your other lovely comments and i'm pleased that that one paragraph gave you tingles. I think any author would love to hear that about their work. The 500 words was challenging because i kept going over and then under and then i'd only need to add an extra word or two but finding just the right word was difficult. I'm glad though that it expressed Lily's feelings in that moment though. Thanks again for stopping by and giving me your thoughts!

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