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Review:PolyJuice_ says:
Hey there!
I love this prologue! :)
(I will only do this one chapter for now though.)
The characterizations are fairly good, I think you could put a bit more into them however. Right now they seem sort of...distant. You should have them interact quite a bit more.

If you put this into one of their perspectives it would help it develop the characters more. I do love how you've done Bella, because I honestly don't think she would be cruel as a child, just a bit... rebellious at first. And the sisterly bond is really sweet.


The italics really killed my eyes however. Ouch.


The flow is great, if you elaborate on each scene it would really help too. Such as:

"Stop it," Cissy ordered them, stamping her foot. Andy exchanged a look with her sister, sighed and the two of them converged on Narcissa.

"We're sorry, Cissy," Andy apologised."

"Stop it," Cissy ordered, stamping her foot. She had always been the diplomatic one. Andy exchanged a look with her sister, sighed and the two of them converged on Narcissa.

"Maybe we don't want to!" Smirked Bella, cocking her hip.

"Lay off her Bella." Sighed Andy before adding, "We're sorry, right Bella?"


The way you phrase things can be a bit awkward at times too. Such as:

"I'm going to get you, Andy!" she told her, and Andy, not bothering to try to keep the smile off her face, took off, sprinting across the room, throwing the door open. She could hear Bellatrix chasing her, the incessant giggles of Narcissa further behind. "

(Edited to add more flow)
"I'm going to get you, Andy!" she shrieked. Andy didn't even try to keep her grin off her face as she took off running through the door, Bella close behind. As the two ran farther away from their middle sister they could hear her incessant giggles."


The dialogue is great, and really works well. You seem to do a lot of run-on sentences that are fairly repetitive.


I'm sorry if it seems as if I'm picking apart your work too much, or if you didn't want this kind of criticism. :') I'm a big nit picker when it comes to flow of sentences.
Its great though, don't take any of my criticism to mean its bad. ;)


Author's Response: Hey there!
I've never before thought they seemed a little distant before, but that might just be me. When I go back over it, I'll definitely take that into consideration and make sure they're fully fleshed out!
I'm not doing any of the memories from any of their perspectives, because they're more general than the actual story itself, so there will always be a slight barrier there.
I know some people don't like the italics, but I use line-breaks and things to indicate a change in time and it would confuse me, lol, to use them for something different. I don't really know another way to do it, tbh...
I could elaborate more in the scene, but I think doing so would sort of ruin the characters I've given them, you know? They're supposed to be innocent and carefree and childish and I'm not sure I can add anything to it without ruining that.
Yeah, flow goes off sometimes. If I ever get round to editing this (I'm awful at ever editing anything), I'll definitely bear that mind, so thanks for pointing it out!

Haha, the criticism is fine, don't worry!
Thanks for the review - it was very helpful!
Aph xx

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