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Review:atellam says:
Hi, hi. Here with your requested review (sorry it took me so long. RL decided to stop by, uninvited...)

Alrighty, first off, your grammar and stuff is pretty good, but there were one or two places you used a comma where I felt a full stop would have been better and vice-versa (particularly with your dialogue tags (this was a particular issue I found, although the rest of your story was generally okay. Check out Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines -> then go crazy. All the topics are really, really helpful.)) I'm not going to pull examples, but if you're looking for specifics, send me a PM and i'll run through it with you if you want. :)

Anyway, other/more fun stuff!

Characterisation - This was good. I liked the way you depicted Tonks and Moody particularly. I'm interested to see how she evolves as a character throughout the story as she has had some great foundations for her character set up in this chapter. Well done.

Dialogue - This was both good and bad. Bad in the sense that I found a few of the sentences forced/OOC. A good idea is to work out what they would say/how they'd express it, but then say it out loud after you've written it. Do the words flow off your tongue like they do if you were talking in conversation? Because that's what the characters are supposed to be doing, so it should work the same for them - Eg. 'She's a scared nine year old girl, whose family has been murdered before her.' This does't flow easily as there are excessive words you wouldn't use in natural speech. Something like: 'She's a scared nine year old girl, whose family was just murdered.' Practically the same, but flows better. Food for thought :)

Pacing and Flow - This was really good. Seriously, well done on this one. Particularly for your first ship, this was really good. You didn't spend excessive lengths talking about how she was mad about Remus etc, but just enough to keep the tension there ;)

Overall, a wonderful start to your first 'ship' and I can't wait to see where this goes. Hope my review was helpful and feel free to stop by again with a re-request.
- Adele :)

Author's Response: Hello :D

Sorry? Don't even worry about it - RL invades sometimes ;)

Grammar+Dialogue+Keira= Not a good mix. Really? Ah thank you! I'll go look now - I'll PM you if I'm stuck - if that's okay?

Tonks and Moody. They're two characters that I've never written before - but turn out to be really fun! Moody will be a reocurring character throughout this series until his ... untimely demise :(

Dialogue. I completely understand what you mean here (that line gave me some issue when I was writing it but my common sense decided to go on a walk when I was looking to re-arrange the line :P).

Oh, thank you very much! :) And your review has been very helpful so thank you! I'll see if you have room for Chapter 2 - if that's okay?

Keira :)


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