Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:atellam says:
Formatting. Remember, formatting is your friend...

The flashback to the Quidditch was sort of thrown in there a bit, and confused me. You had it written as if it was happening at that moment, but it wasn't. An idea would be to edit it and have it more along the lines of: 'I remember Timothy's voice ringing out across the Pitch. "Jennifer Quinn!"' or something like that. It will help weave it into the scene and will make it less choppy.

Also, the two scenes with Aaron didn't entirely match up with the flashback in the middle, so that might be something to work on as well. Also, we really have no idea who Aaron is, yet he just became the protagonists boyfriend. You might want to spend some time talking about their date, even if it's just: 'we laughed and chatted as we wandered in and out of stores along the main street of Hogsmede and I began to wonder if maybe i'd been wrong. If maybe Aaron was boyfriend potential...' or something of the sort, just to smooth that transition process and let us know Jan had a good time.

Also,
+" Ah mate. Reading between the lines I'd say she thinks you're a bit pompous." Came the responding grunt.'
- I actually have no idea who is saying this. It's not James because he wouldn't be talking to himself, and it's not Jen as she says something after, but you don't make any mention of another Marauder being in the room.

Cannon - Even prefects aren't allowed up the girls stairs, as Ron was a prefect when he tried. I don't know how James managed to turn into a Stag in the middle of the Common Room and have no one notice either, or how he'd turn the door knob into the girl's room with antlers. Also, Lily wasn't pregnant with Harry when she was at Hogwarts. It might not be James's baby, and it might end up with her losing the child or something, but in Cannon, it wouldn't be James's. Just pointing it out :)

Again, the transitions in this chapter were even more jumpy, and could easily be smoothed over with description. An example: "I heard she was shagging Black and Potter too!" I smirked as they all put their heads together to discuss this latest bit of gossip, as I climbed the stairs to my dormitory.

"What is wrong with you?" I exclaimed when I opened the door to our room.'
I hope you see what i'm trying to show. It cuts that awkward transition and it adds only a few words, but greatly improves the quality of the writing when it doesn't have those constant scene cuts.

Dialogue was still good, although I find Lily to be slightly OOC, although that might change in future chapters. We haven't had much exposure to her yet.

Overall, good. But that said, you really need to work on description for this to improve. It's not too hard though, just takes a bit of time at first, but soon you'll get into the hang of it and won't think twice about it :)

Hope my comments have been helpful and I hope you'll re-request with the next chapter when it's out. I'd love to see what you've done with my feedback.
- Adele :)

Author's Response: Yay! Thanks for reading this one too. :)
The next chapter is in the process of being written, and I have updated this one with your criticism. I really appreciate your help, thanks. And about the baby, I can't say too much, but it will still follow canon.


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 777
Submit Report: