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Review:Dobby101 says:
Hi! I'm Dobby and I'm here for your reviewing purposes:)

The beginning paragraph intrigued me. What with Draco leaving his family and all. There were a few words in there that shouldn't have been capitalized, but that's really an easy fix.

This story definitely has promise. What would make it better though would be back story. What is Alice really like? To me, right now, she just seems like a normal girl just walking off the street. I know it's only the first chapter, but even some description of her appearance will help a reader better understand your story.

Also, it sort of moves kind of fast. Add some detail in there! :) Let yourself play with words until the perfect description rolls onto the page. What does the coffee shop look like? Is Claire morbidly obese or as skinny as a bean pole? Did Draco sit outside the coffee shop for a while, debating to go in or not? In fact, how did Draco even end up at the coffee shop? Those are all questions that, if answered, will make your story richer and better composed.

Overall, I think you have an good start at a story that could really take off. Any story has the ability to be great. Remember that!

Good job!

Keep improving!
-Dobby

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you! Yeah I have trouble with that but i'm getting a beta so hopefully they'll be fixed up soon :D

Yay! Back story? I tend to give a back story half way through the story; don't ask me why, it's just the way I write :D

If I ever go back and edit i'll be sure to put more description and imagery in it :)

Jaz


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