Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Aderyn says:
Hello! I'm here for your review.

Overall, I think the flow of the story was good. You did a good job of choosing incidents that were important to their relationship and you left out any extraneous details that might cloud things up. While your focus on what happened was good, I think that to make this more lyrical (that was the general effect I got as for the style), you might want to tighten up your descriptions a little bit. So, instead of saying Rose reached a 'supreme level of beauty' describe in what ways.

I have a few things to say about formatting too, that I think might help the pacing. Since you switch between years of school, try to pick one way to show the transition, and stick to that way. You used lines, italics, and headings to do so. I think the lines work the best, to separate unrelated incidents, but in this case, I think maybe just bold and italic the year, so it would be *Year Seven.* That makes the time change stand out more.

Only a few grammar issues. One I just happened to notice:

"I didn't know "spontaneous" was part of the Malfoy facade"

You need a period at the end of the sentence. Also, the word "spontaneous" should be in 'single quotes' because it's a quote inside a quote.

While your characters do develop, there could be more, I think. There is a lot of dialogue, and I think the one shot would benefit from a bit more introspection in the case of Scorpius, especially in places where there is mostly dialogue. That is, however, just a stylistic thing. Mostly that depends on how you want your story to read.

Overall, you did a pretty good job. The general feeling of the oneshot was nice, but I think a few things could be fixed to make the language you use match the feel of the story.

Author's Response: Thank you! This is so great! I will defenintly work on the afore mentioned topics, I am very aware I screw up grammar alot! :) Thanks again!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 568
Submit Report: