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Review:Dobby101 says:
Hi Keira!

First, let me say I was excited to read your story after I read your summary. It was very short, but very very intriguing (this coming from a girl who can write an entire chapter, but when it comes to a summary, it generally is uninteresting). So good job on that!

Also, there were a few lines within the story that I took a liking to. Such as:

"What could possibly keep a man so focused and determined to fight for a society that would prefer it if he was dead?"

This line stuck out to me because I never really thought of Remus that way, but it is extremely true. Remus doesn't really have anything to live for in a society that just casts him aside. Is he doing it in his best friend's memories? Or is there something else? This would be something interesting to write about within the story. :) Just a suggestion though...haha

Now for the criticism. For a first chapter, it wasn't bad. Just slow and nothing really happened. I understand you wanted to get the setting and time down (I'm assuming this is during the fifth book?) but some of the conversation made it slow to read. For example, the part where they are talking about Vincent Ginnie. It is my assumption that this man is going to be a problem in upcoming chapters, but is it appropriate for this back story to be told in the middle of an Order meeting?

With the way that part was explained, I felt like I was reading Tonks as a teenager and not as a full-grown adult who has become a well-known auror. Problems such as a creeper are usually side conversations outside of the actual important meeting if you know what I mean.

As with other characters, Moody seemed on target, as did Dumbledore. Snape seemed a little bit off, though. I know he likes to taunt and tease, but Snape is not one to show anger very often (the only time I can really remember is when Harry penetrated his thoughts during their Occlumency lessons). The fact that he roared about how he had been in Slytherin seems uncharacteristic. I picture him saying something more along the lines of, "May I remind you that I was once and still am, a part of Slytherin House."

Lastly, there were quite a few grammar and spelling errors. My suggestion with this would be to put the chapter down for a day or two and reread it before submitting. I know, I am also very impatient to get my chapters out, but reading it after you have had a day to think about it will make it a much cleaner read.

Well, I think that's about all for now! I'm interested as to how you will bring Tonks and Remus together, so if you want a review on the next chapter, feel free to post in my thread again on the forums :)

Keep improving!
-Dobby

Author's Response: Hello :)

Thanks so much for the review! The first chapter is more of setting the scene for the rest of the story so I really wanted to see if you were intriged to read on xD

I've edited the chapter now and the next one is in the queue :) (as a plus, I completely agree about Snape. He's been edited now xD)

Thanks so much for the review! :)


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