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Review:AC_rules says:
Hello there, its AC here for your request review!

There were some really lovely parts about this story which really made me smile. I particuarlly liked the bit when they were sat out by the lake, that was realy nice and well thought - I liked it. Then on of my favourite lines was definately "Come at me, Darling" which I found, quite frankly, hillarious.

Then I thought the structure was really nice, and I liked the progression of time and how you also sort of saw them growing up together... that was really sweet. The only thing I would say on that point is that I found the first couple of bits slightly difficult to follow - it took me a couple of minutes to work out whether we were at the same point in time and for me that disrupted the flow of the whole reading experience a little bit.


McGonagall was a kind person, but when she was really mad(,) her voice got shrill.

^ I don't think you need the comma I put in brackets there. I don't usually pick up on grammar things but I've just been beta-ing, so now i'm in that sort of mood. And then, also, you wrote the entire thing nearly all in the present tense, which was really lovely but particuarlly towards the last section I noticed a couple of moments when that wavered slightly. Its ever so easy to do, with the present tense - but it's slightly unerving to go from 'looked' and 'were' in one bit and then be back to the present in the next moment. Just give it a look over and read it out loud and you should be able to spot it :)

You said in your request you wanted a focus on flow and description. Well, I've mentioned flow up there ^ so description wise I thought you created a nice sort of air about the piece. It seemed slightly up in the air, ungrounded and more er. floaty (man, I need to sleep more before reviewing) which I really liked - but I didn't think there was a large pieces of description within the story. The main focus was quite rightly on their relationship and the dialogue. Saying that you had a couple of lovely lines of description that really added to it. If you wanted to make it a more description-centric one-shot I think that would be fairly doable - but what you've included is usually lovely and very pretty language use.

Anyways, I think I've rambled on enough now. I hope that this review was helpful and I enjoyed filling this request for you. Thank you very much!


Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yes, I've been trying so hard with grammer (it is certainly not my strong point) Yes, I am aware I totally jacked up the ending with switching tenses! AH! This is totally going on my editing list! Thank you so much for your help! :)

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