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Review:long_live_luna_bellatrix says:
Hello! I have to say, I think this is a really good idea. There are tons of stories examining the adventures of the Weasley grandchildren at Hogwarts, because there are so many possibilities. But it's never occurred to me that the youngest would have to send off cousin after cousin, every single year, with a mixture of envy and sadness. It's a good premise for a story.

So I don't expect you to run off and delete this chapter or anything, but I do feel the need to point out that you could probably have done without a prologue. As the story is focused on Lily and Hugo, it's not necessary to go through every single year that they sent off cousins, going into detail over every one. You could have achieved the same effect in a few paragraphs, and the reader would have felt sorry for the kids, etc etc, and you could've moved on to the real story far more quickly. That said, this was a quick chapter, and you kept the descriptions brief, so it wasn't like I was tearing my hair out with boredom. You did it quite well, but I wanted to point it out.

I have two nit-picky suggestions as well. First, it's a general grammar rule, as far as I know, that with numbers one to ten or one to twenty (depending on who you ask) you write out the actual numbers. After that, you use real numbers. Slapping a "1" in the middle of the text is a bit distracting, just as trying to write out one thousand nine hundred eighty-three is. So perhaps with Lily's ages it would be a good idea to write out those numbers. And second, when Lily spoke at the end, I got what she was saying and all, but it sounded a little too adult for a ten-year-old girl to say. "Intend to accomplish," "use as an advantage," and "raising hell," all jumped out at me in particular. I'd suggest taking a second look at that and using simpler words.

Sorry if that seems like two huge paragraphs of criticism, but really, they're just technical things. The writing itself was compelling, your characters are likable, and as I've already said, you've raised a good point about how the youngest feel left behind. Overall, it was a good chapter. Well done!

Author's Response: Hi! Ahh thankyou, I always just wondered what it would be like for the two youngest of the clan, when everyone had gone off to Hogwarts. There are so many Hogwarts-era ones, aren't there? It would be hard for them to hear about the amazing stuff going on!

Thankyou, you are definitely right :/ A year on from starting this, I can see how it was un-needed and long-winded. I think I wanted to establish the ages of the cousins at the time, and to really show how abandoned they were, but it was kind of unnecessary to do so in such a blunt manner.

Argh! I'm not sure how I've managed to overlook this, you are right - it doesn't read well. Also, I agree with you about the little speech at the end; it's not very likely language for a ten-year-old to use!

Haha no, it didn't seem like that! It's very helpful, thankyou so much for taking the time to help me!


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