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Review:Pen2Paper says:
Hey there,
Its Pen2Paper from the forums with your requested review. Sorry it's taken a while. Anyways here goes.
You had several concerns and I will try to address them all to the best of my ability.

Summary: It's a good summary, short and sweet. :) It's vague but intriguing. A very general line about love and its power. It does give the reader an idea what to expect in your story but you could make it more hmm... how I say this, magnetic? Something that sparks the interest of the reader and draws them in?...

Now onto your story.
Format: Your third person narrative shifting focus from one character to another was very nicely done, I haven't come across many stories with that dynamic in their story but it really adds something to the story. Good job! :)
You've generally done very well here.However at times there are some uneven spaces between paragraphs and the part where focus shifts from Sirius to Jane there is a make-shift divider that you've used which you an replace with the one provided by word processor for consistency. Other than those very minor issues you've done well!

Description: You've got a good level of description going, especially in physical attributes of the characters, eyes hair etc and also mannerisms strikingly in Sirius which all really help to bring out the characters in your story. You've done very well in this aspect of your writing.
You can however improve description of your setting. It is difficult often to find the balance between too much detail and too little, so put in what you feel about the setting, time of day, lighting, ambiance, emotion, etc etc when you're writing a scene. Once you finish read it out loud and see if the descriptions distract from the flow of the scene. If not you're doing fine, if it is then condense them into short and clear sentences to help visualise what's happening and remove the unnecessary details.

Story line:
Well, not too much had happened in this chapter. Which is understandable since it is just the start. You've introduced the characters strongly and established their relationship. Plot wise it is interesting to see how they interact with each other. The last bit with the futuristic vision was very intriguing and i was very curious to know what that would lead to. So you've got a good plot going. Keep it up and build on it. Give your characters capacity to mature over time as your story progresses.

Characterization: You've introduced only three of the Marauders. Be sure to include Peter too. He often gets completely erased during the Marauder stories that it is like he never existed. I myself don't like Peter but to bring up your story's credibility give him an appearance now and then.
Your Remus and Sirius came across as quite stereotypical. Tortured, modest and studious Remus Vs. Mischievous, attention-loving playboy Sirius.
Its not a bad thing to start a story on familiar ground where readers can quickly relate to the characters from the books. But as you build on these characters make sure they are more realistic with dynamic personalities. There's got to be more to Sirius than chasing girls right? And Remus had to have his hand in the classic pranks that made him part of the group? and also give emphasis to how they are as individuals and how they are as a group.

It was nice how you said Remus sort of envied the confidence Sirius had because he never had it, that was very realistic and helped to bring out his character. I hope you see what I mean.

OC, Jane was very well depicted and I can't wait to see what you have planned for her. She's instantly likable although being Lily's best friend you might want to be wary of her becoming a Mary-Sue. So far, she's great! I really like her.

James: not much to say as we didn't get to meet him much but it was surprising to see him reduced to tears by Lily. Definitely a new turn of events!

Lily: She too wasn't very different from the girl we knew from the books but she does have much potential to be anything you wish with the way you've created her in your story.

Overall you've got a very promising story on your hands and one with great potential. I do hope you continue to bring the same level of dedication you have for this chapter and I hope you build well on the strong foundation you've created here. Well done indeed.
Best of luck with the story.
8/10

~Pen2Paper

Author's Response: Hi!

Sorry my response is so late. I wrote this big long response the other day and then my computer crashed before I got a chance to submit it.

So let's try this again. I think the summary is very important in actually getting readers to the story. Because on HPFF, you can't help but judge a book by it's cover. I'll maybe go on to the forums for help on making it a little more magnetic :)

I'm glad you like the way the story switches from one perspective to another. This was a big concern of mine, as it can kind of detract from the flow of the story sometimes.

I've replaced that makeshift divider with a normal one (I don't know how that happened, lol), and I have tried to close up large spaces for better readability. It was an awful mess.

Thanks for complimenting my character descriptions :) makes me all fuzzy inside. And I certainly agree about the lack of description when it comes to the scenery etc. I'll keep your tip in mind.

I've got the future of my characters all mapped out, and they have a lot of personal growth happening throughout. I don't think anyone can live through a war like that and be unchanged.

I'll definitely be introducing Peter in the second chapter. His absence from Chapter One is actually part of the story line. So, never fear. I haven't left him out completely :)

I don't think James was always as cool, calm and collected as he made out. I think behind all that, he was just a big softy.

Lily: Like I said before, I've got the characters all figured out, and there's more to Lily than being a grumpy, bookworm. James must have seen something else in her, beyond that. He wouldn't have doted for years over just a pretty face.

Thanks so much for your opinions and advice. I'll keep everything you've said in mind during the rest of my story.

Have a lovely day!


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