Hi, i'm here for your requested review :D
First of all, i'm going to start with the things i liked about this chapter before i get into your specific questions about this chapter.
What i think you did a good job on was keeping it simple, that is, not adding a bunch of unnecessary flowery words to get the readerís attention. When writers do that, those sentences always stick out like a sore thumb and i think that your style was definitely easy to follow and read which i really appreciated.
Summary: It seemed fine to me, it was quick and snappy and hinted at something a bit deeper than just a common romance story. If you want a revamp of it, i'd suggest going to the summary help section on the forums.
I feel like your characters, although well written in some respect, are relying a lot on stereotypes and clichťs. Things like Lily hating him that she can't see any of his good qualities, every girl chasing after Sirius, Remus being the kind hearted helper. They can be effective but i just want to warn you that you really need to explain them and give them a reason to be there ( the cliches i mean). It's too early to really comment on a lot about characterization only because this was such a short snippet of them and Iíd like to see how you go about showing them first. I think if you were more active in your descriptions though they would come alive more. I feel like it was more passive and you were telling us who they were without letting us discover it for ourselves. Although the one characterization I will comment on was James, Iím not so sure heíd be sobbing over Lily. Iím curious to know how you interpret him though and why you think it would work.
If Sirius hadn't never really thought of Jane and thought her so dull, then how could that one moment suddenly change everything? It wasn't a big enough moment and if he hadn't gotten to know her all these years, i'd think that it would take a bit of time for him to become interested in her. I say this just as a warning not to jump into to the relationship too quickly, many authors do that and ruin what otherwise could have been a brilliant story.
You asked about storyline, i'm honestly not sure where this story is going. The summary gave some hints of something in the future that might be hard, but i didn't feel like there was enough going on in this chapter, especially for a first chapter. It may be good for a second or third chapter, but as a first, you really want to grab the readerís attention otherwise there'll be nothing to make the readers click the next button. You did however, introduce all the characters, which was nice so that the reader knows who is going to be involved with this story and they won't be surprised in, say, the 5th chapter when suddenly Remus or Jane come waltzing into the picture ;D .
The blocky paragraphs made it hard to read and there was so many POV jumps in such a short chapter that everything felt a little confusing to me, (this may be because i'm ingested copious amounts of caffeine tonight and nothing makes much sense to me). If you want to have those POV's, i think there needs to have a little more in each one so that the flow of the story isn't interrupted. There was also a few times that i noticed that you would repeat the name of the person over and over in a paragraph. The scene with Jane's POV really stood out to me. You can switch some with just her and she. A rule of thumb that i usually go by is thinking about how many times i say people's name in my head or when i talk with people, do i actually always say their names? Typically not, unless i'm being silly.
Thank you for requesting me and I hope my review didnít sound overly critical or mean, I have a tendency to be very critical of Marauders era stories and I just want to help make this the best story possible. I think this does have potential to be a very good story :D
Author's Response: Hey!
Yeah, I know what you mean. Detail is important but not when it detracts from the story. So, thanks for that :)
I'll definitely be adding more depth to each of the characters. Like with any person, it takes time to get to know them. Rest assured, they all have pretty developed back stories written up. I'll make sure to not be so passive when it comes to characterization in future.
Like with the back stories, I have already sort of figured out when Sirius and Jane get together, and it's not right away. Because I agree that putting them together would be a bad move. Though the story is predominately about their lives AFTER they fall in love, but I'm with ya ;)
Yeah, that's a good tip about the overuse of names. I'll go back and edit the chapter a bit to fix that.
Thanks so much for your time and review. It's been very helpful :)
Have a good day!