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Review:Pen2Paper says:
Hey Adele,

It's Pen2Paper from the forums with your review as requested :) I'm so sorry for the terribly long delay but I'm finally here so lets get to it.

Overall. Your chapter reads very well, your flow and pace is very good and the chapters flows seamlessly. Introduction bit was also well done, it's a nice refreshment to meet a character (her mother) who is uncomfortable in the magical world and doesn't just embrace it completely! Very believable, bonus points!

Your main character. In one word, intriguing. This is what I gathered about her in this chapter. She is very perceptive, and tends to absorb a lot more details from the surroundings than the average person. She is headstrong but also subdued, as in she rarely speaks out of turn but she isn't afraid to speak her mind when she feels its necessary. This is a very nice paradoxical quality to have in your OC and will really take you far from Mary-Sue land, but it can be hard to pull off so take extra care to maintain this subtle trait in her character in the future. She seems like a very loyal person. Despite her obviously noticing Sirius in all his six-foot-something-self she does not allow her thoughts to waver even for a second toward him, that's very Gryffindor of her. Well done creating Keira I must say she's an impressive and thought provoking character.

Description. Hmm... here is both your strength and your weakness. You have AMAZING talent for description. It is rare to find a person who is so talented in description that they can literally paint a picture with their words in the reader's mind. However you do also tend to be too elaborate in some of these descriptions. To give a rough idea where to be elaborate and where to not I would say try to keep the descriptions short and clear when conversation is taking place.
When she has flashbacks, or she's describing a place for the first time then go into great detail. This will really help the story and sentence structure more.

Your characterizations are very well done. But just to let you know all your characters do not need to be described and completed head to toe at the very beginning of their introduction to the story. There is nothing wrong with it, of course! I'm just saying it'll flow better if you allow room throughout the chapter to develop the character.
Its also a fantastic plus point if you can 'show' instead of 'tell'. Most of what the characters are like becomes apparent with how your character interacts with them and perceives them. You've done well in this aspect and I hope you continue with it.

In general its a very good opening Chapter. Very believable and entertaining prank. So like the Marauders to do something like that. You've done very well setting up the story, now I hope you continue to build on this :) Well done. I hope this review helped. Please take the advice as just that because honestly I do not mean it as criticism!
Best of luck with future chapters. :)

~Pen2Paper

Author's Response: No, no! This is wonderful help. I either fall flat on my face, or just manage to keep my head above water with description, so all feedback/advice is hugged to death and fed cookies through my computer.
Thank you :) I'll certainly look back over this and see where I can edit it to make it run smoother.

Thanks so much, and don't worry about how long it took you to get around to me. You put thought into the review, and it's worth waiting for, haha.

Thanks so much, I hope you don't mind if I re-request?
- Adele :)

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