Hi, i'm here for your review request.
First off, i really like the premise of this story as i've never read about it and i'm glad someone has tried to tackle some of the feelings that might have been going through his mind. I think he would have been very conflicted and what we know of Remus, his furry little problem was something that continuously plagued him it was easy to see how that insecurity played into his doubts about raising a child and cursing it. So i think you did a great job with exploring that idea of how he's terrified of cursing the child either with his presence or his genes. Remus was always a bit melodramatic about his condition so i think you did a good job capturing that with all his "ah i've doomed them, absolutely doomed them for life" kind of thinking. It seems like he's the only one who can't look past it and see the person he is beyond that.
Your flow was also very well done, it wasn't hard to follow what you were showing us and your wording is good and your description was so nice. This whole thing was done mostly inside Remus's head but you had a nice way of making it interesting. That's hard to keep up for a long period of time but i felt like you did a pretty good job.
It's really up to you if you keep it a song fic or not. I don't think it's necessary for the story and it didn't seem to add extra meaning to it. If you changed it you could at least just say at the very end in a note that the fic was inspired by the song. But that's up to you.
There are a couple things i'd like to point out though, i felt like the confrontation at the end was a little off to me. I think it was Tonks that seemed a little iffy to me and i didn't really buy into her reaction. I almost think he wouldn't confront her at all but just leave a note that sort of explained what was going on. Not sure why i saw that happening but by confronting her, i'd almost see her being able to convince him otherwise.
I was caught off gaurd with "Dora", at first, i was like "who the heck is Dora?" before i realized it was Tonks. To make this more clearer, make sure that he is also referencing her as Dora in his thoughts.
There was some awkward phrasing and unnecessary repeated phrasing. For example
Tonks would be hurt today, but would be saved from a worse pain later on, maybe she would even live a better life later on.
You've repeated later on twice in one sentence. I understand sometimes it good to use repetition for artistic sake but it just felt awkward here.
You could leave, said a voice inside his head, they would be much safer then, without you.
It would flow a lot better if you even just cut out the then and get rid of the comma.
There were a few sentences that could have been looked at again with grammar and mechanics, i'd suggest another look over but overall i don't think it was a huge problem where i felt like i needed to pull my hair out and gnash my teeth. :D Not at all, just a bit here and there.
Overall i think you did a pretty good job at exploring why he left Tonks in the first place. I hope you found this review useful.
Author's Response: Thank you, seriously, THANK YOU! I knew that there were problems with this piece, but I just couldn't put my finger on them, but now that you have pointed them out they seem so blatantly obvious it's mad!! Firstly, Tonks just seems so weak! I think I just put all my attention on Lupin that I completely forget about her, as mad as that sounds! I've spent pretty much all day re-writing this piece and I definitely think it is better. I know what you mean about leaving a note, I didn't really want to do that because it was kinda cowardly on Lupin's part, then again so is leaving so I don't think that's a good argument! So what I have done in the re-write is that he writes a note, but then Tonks wakes up before he leaves and they have their conversation, it's best of both worlds then! I've done a major re-write, all the lyrics of the song are gone, there is just a quote at the start. The second half of the piece is completely different. I've given Tonks my full attention this time! I just want to make this fic better and do this whole part of the story justice. I went through it with a fine-tooth comb as best I could to see if I could find any mechanical errors and fix them, and I also got rid of the more awkward sentences and things.
Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the constructive criticism, it is exactly what I wanted!!! I knew there were mega problems with this and your help in pointing them out plain and simple was BRILLIANT! This review was dead useful and as a result it is probably the best review I have ever gotten! THANK YOU! You have no idea how bad this fic made me feel (writing wise) because I knew I had gotten it wrong in places, so thank you for pointing them out! I've fixed them (hopefully) so fingers crossed the re-write is a vast improvement on this!
Finally, I've submitted the re-write and the queue is currently 5 days, so when it gets validated, would you mind taking a look at it? I mean, would it be OK if I re-requested once the re-write has been validated? I'll wait for an open slot in your queue and you wouldn't have to do a long review or anything of the sort, just a single line telling me whether or not the re-write works would be great, only if it is OK...? If it's not OK that's grand, you can just skip over me, but you've been so helpful and I just want to prove that I can do it right, after you've given me so much help :)
Thank you so much again for the review! I really appreciate it and all the help was just brilliant, exactly what I needed! THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES! :)