|Review:||Roots in Water says:|
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
A Sirius/OC! It'll be interesting to see how you've made this idea your own. From what I just read, you have a good basis for a great story- you haven't revealed much but you've already set up the characters for grand romances.
I like how you deepened James' love for Lily beyond the constant pestering her for dates and talking about her with his friends. Through his tears, it became evident just how much he has invested in this and how much he wants Lily to like him. I also think that Remus' role as a comforter was nicely done- it fits in with what we know of him from canon. As well, it will be interesting to see how Jane's knowledge of James' tears will affect Lily's future actions with James- will Jane tell Lily about the depth of James' feelings for her?
As well, I think that you have a solid grasp of the personalities of the various characters (especially on how you want them to be in this story)- Remus is kind, caring and studious, Sirius is fun-loving, James is obsessed with Lily and Peter is there. However I think that you should try to show their characteristics instead of just stating them for the reader (even if it takes a while for it to come across). It looked like you were trying to do this but a few of the sentences were a little too "in your face" about the characters. An example of this would be the sentence "Remus was always happy to help his friends out, for they had stuck by him in his time of need and for that he was forever in their debt"- if you further explained what his time of need was and how they had helped him to get through it, the readers would better understand Remus' character.
As for your summary, I really liked it. I think that it's very intriguing and I was certainly interested by it! From what we know of Sirius' past, he never got along well with his family and so love of any kind would be new, wonderful and difficult for him. But the question "Is love ever enough?" indicates that he is suffering and perhaps that something even worse will occur in the near future- something that his girlfriend won't be able to help him out with.
All in all, I think that you're off to a good start with this story! You've created a good basis for the characters- now's the time to flesh them out. It'll be interesting to see how Jane and Sirius fit together as a couple (if Jane is indeed the person Sirius will be paired with), especially since Sirius currently doesn't seem to like Jane. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my comments are helpful!
Author's Response: Hey, thanks for taking the time to rfeview. Thanks for your comments of my characterization, yay for me :) and you brought up a very interesting idea there. Will Jane tell Lily about James' crying. To tell you the truth, I hadn't considered that. But that a really good idea. I mean, if I were in Jane's position, I probably would bring it up with my friend.
I never really liked this sentence much,
"Remus was always happy to help his friends out, for they had stuck by him in his time of need and for that he was forever in their debt"
It feels a little forced to me, so I'll try to find a way to reword that and make it a little more detailed.
With the summery, that's exactly what i was aiming for. I'm glad you understood what I meant with
'Sirius Black has gone too long without'.
It's not saying that it's been a long time since Sirius loved a girl or anything along those lines. It's saying, Sirius hasn't really been loved much in his life, will this affect his own ability to love? The question of 'Is love ever enough?' does foreshadow upon the fact that there certainly is a lot of trauma coming in Sirius' future. It is the war, after all, and love may be the strongest force there is, but it doesn't stop Wizarding Wars. Oh wait, yes it does. Lol.
I've built upon my characters more in the following chapters. I'm just most concerned about Chapter One, because it gives a rather shallow view of the characters and for that matter, the plot. So thanks so much for your time and thoughts, it's been very helpful :)