Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:classicblack says:
Hey, I'm here with your review!
This chapter was pretty well done. I thought it nicely summarized every main character in the story without giving too much away, which was good. Also, I thought Remus was especially well done. You really captured his self-hatred.
On the other hand, James crying in an empty classroom didn't really hit home for me. I see where you're coming from with that, but you've got to remember that although James is completely in love with Lily at this point, he's still a sixteen year-old boy. And being a sixteen year-old boy, it is seems highly unlikely that he'd start sobbing simply. Depressed or upset, yes, but full-out crying, no.
I think it's interesting that you've already sort of hinted at the fact that Sirius will fancy Jane in the future (which I'm assuming he will). I'll have to see where you go with that. Sometimes, when authors introduce the main relationship too soon, it sort of ruins the surprise and suspense of a story. This is because they tend to begin the relationship within the first few chapters because they're so eager to get it going. Suspense is one of the key elements to a story that keeps a reader, well, reading. Watch out for that, but so far, I think you've done pretty well with it
About your story summary, the semi-colon after love should be a colon. It makes me seem like some kind of punctuation nut, but it was bugging me, haha.
There was a lot going on in this chapter, but I think it went pretty smoothly. I feel as if some transitions between Sirius and Jane POV were a bit confusing, though. Make sure you mark the changes with lines or squiggles (~) or the like, just so the reader knows it's from a different perspective.
I really loved Sirius's dream in the end. It gave just the right amount of mystery (with the woman) but also tied in his future death nicely. Well done!
By the way, I love your banner- just thought I'd let you know, haha.
It was a nice start to the story.
Happy writing,
classicblack from the forums

Author's Response: Hi! Yes, James crying wasn't quite believable to me either, so I definitely think I'll edit that, and change his emotion a bit.

I agree with you on the rushing into the romantic relationship to fast. I mean, you generally don't wake up one day and realize you're in love with the person who sits in front of you in Charms class.

However, this story is about what happens to Sirius AFTER he's found love. So, not to give anything away, the story will primarily be about Sirius and Jane after they fall in love, but I certainly do agree that it's important to show how they got to that point, and clearly given that Sirius finds Jane a little boring, there will be a bit of a road to get to that place.

I'm terrible at punctuation. I'm not too bad at spelling (mainly because of Spell Check), but punctuation was never my forte, so I'll fix that summery up. I'll also go back and fix the chapter formatting, including adding lines or something for the change of POV.

Aww, thanks. Yeah, I enjoyed writing that dream sequence. There's a lot of meaningful dreams in the Harry Potter books, so I thought I'd incorporate that here. I'm never sure about any of my banners, so I'm glad you like it :)

Thanks SO MUCH for your help, it means a lot.


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 156
Submit Report: