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Review:DracoFerret11 says:
Mmkay, hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here with your review. We'll go over your concerns first, then I'll throw in anything else that I thought of. Mmkay? Let's go!

Summary: your current summary says, "Love; the strongest force there is. Sirius Black has gone too long without. How far will he be willing to go for love, when he finally finds it? And is love ever enough?" which isn't bad at all. There are a couple of issues with punctuation, though. So, I would actually change it up a bit and put, "Love is the strongest force there is, and Sirius Black has gone too long without it. When he finally finds it, how far will he be willing to go for love? And is love ever enough?" It's the same summary, just switched up a bit. If you really just want a completely new summary, you should check out the "Summary Help" thread on the forums in the "Help Needed" section. :]

Characterization: well, we've really got five characters that show up in this chapter. Remus is good. He's smart, friendly, etc. Predictable, but well-written. Then we have James...who is crying over Lily. Literally. I'm not sure how I felt about that scene. I don't know if James would really CRY over her, let alone sob. He loves her and is upset that she doesn't feel the same way, yes, but I don't know if he's THAT dramatic. Then we've got Lily who isn't really mentioned, but has this predictable reaction towards James and hates that he likes her. Solid, cliche, but it works. And the other characters! The "important" ones: Sirius and Jane. Well, Sirius is pretty predictable and makes a lot of sense. He's the playboy, the one who thinks he can get any girl he wants, but he DOESN'T want Jane, which is obviously an important plot-point. There was one line that DID seem out of character though, when Sirius was thinking something about: "but never would Sirius want someone so dull. Even with her beauty." That last part is just...feminine. Guys don't think like that. And, on to Jane: I don't know how I feel about her yet. We always have to be wary of Mary-Sue land when writing OCs, and I don't know whether Jane has escaped that yet. She's sarcastic and thoughtful, clumsy and clever...just lots of contradictions. We'll see where it goes. :]

Plot: well, I don't really know where the plot is going yet, but it doesn't seem too bad. Sirius/OC stories can get very, VERY cliche though, if you let them. Be careful not to just make everything predictable. It will get boring. :]

Okay, now for some comments of my own. Spelling-wise, you were fine...but let's talk grammar. And let's talk about two words in specific: comma happy. You put in so many unnecessary commas! :o Maybe a beta-reader would help you to get rid of some of those. They're quite distracting. And, sort of related, your story is very spread-out formatting-wise. There are large gaps between each paragraph. Maybe making those gaps smaller will make the story easier to read. :] Just some advice.

Now, the other thing I have to mention is pacing. This story seems to be moving very quickly. There was so much happening in such a short amount of space. You DID have some descriptions, which attempted to slow things down, but it was so fast I was almost lost as to what was happening. You could easily draw out each of the scenes in this chapter (or even break it into several chapters and elongate them) in order to slow things down and give each part enough time for readers to understand its importance. Just another thought. :]

Overall, I think you did a good job. Keep up the good work throughout the story and you'll be fine.

--Emily

Author's Response: Wow, this is one HUGE review. I love it :)

Yes, I wasn't really sure about the flow of the summery, but your updated version is a really big improvement, so if you don't mind, I may just steal that.

I agree with you about my grammer. I haven't quite grasped the concept of commas, so I tend to use them freely. It's always either commas or full stops : I'm also aware of my formatting problem. I had it all formatted perfectly in Microsoft Word, but when I pasted it to HPFF it all messed up and I tried to fix it, but it wouldn't let me publish the chapter because the gaps weren't big enough. I'll go back and try to reformat it in a moment, because I definitely agree that it makes it harder to read.

I've written quite a few chapters already, but I've always been particularly concerned about the flow of Chapter One, because it does move along very quickly, I'll consider the idea of breaking the chapter into more than one, thanks!

I agree on the James crying thing, I'll try to work around that and make it more realistic. The 'Even with her beauty' thing; very true. I'll have a think about rewriting that. And once you read a few more chapters, Jane actually has a fair bit of depth to her character, I personally really like her, but I see what you mean about Mary-Sue, and I'm trying my best to pull her away from that. I'll work on trying to make her less Mary-Sue-esque during this first chapter, because I think that's where most of that Mary-Sue-esque is present.

I'll try to stay far away from cliche Sirius/OC, because I hate badly written cliche and I hate Mary-Sues.

Thank-you so much for your review. You've picked up on the same issues as I had when I was writing this chapter, and it's helpful to know what the reader is thinking when they read the chapter, so thank-you!



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