Hey, this is Beeezie, finally here with your review. Sorry it's taken me so long!
Some mechanical points:
There were a few points where you slipped up with your tenses. At the end of the third paragraph, you wrote, what he will do for Harry and his mother in the future? It should be what he would do.
In the last paragraph before they go into Transfiguration, it should be, But he knew all too well, not But he knew all to well - too not to. I also felt like the last sentence of the paragraph (Little did he know how right he was) was a little unnecessary.
In the next paragraph (starting, Transfiguration was torture), I felt like "ameliorated" wasn't quite the right word to use there. I typically don't see "ameliorate" used to refer to a person - maybe a specific skill, but not a person themselves. It just felt a little off to me.
Later on in the Transfiguration lesson, in the paragraph starting, "Yeah," Lily scoffed, "They love that, along with undivided attention", I think you missed a word in the last sentence - shouldn't you have a "him" between "disliked" and "heartily"?
At the start of the third section (I think it's the third section, anyway - the paragraph starts, She dragged her feet slowly, her strength almost zero at that moment), I noticed a few grammatical errors. First, you overused semi-colons: they should only be used when what you're putting after them could be a sentence in its own right. Neither Where Harry was barely hers and Where everything was new and where Sirius Black was present can stand as sentences on their own. Additionally, rather than, Very less people had experimented with it, it should be, Very few people had experimented with it, and rather than, even less people had actually survived it should be even fewer people had actually survived it.
I'm glad that you had Harry react to Snape in a way that wasn't just utter revulsion, because given that he named a child after him (dooming poor Albus Severus to one of the worst names in the entire series), his feelings about Snape obviously changed. However, while I did feel like while you did a good job depicting how his feelings toward Snape changed, I also felt a little like you'd oversimplified it.
Yes, Snape turned out to brave and all of that, but he was also the reason Harry's parents died in the first place. While Harry clearly was able to forgive him for that after the fact, I think that his feelings before that had happened would have been more conflicted - Snape would become a person Harry could respect, but in his sixth year, he wasn't there yet, you know? It almost seemed like Harry was a little starstruck, and given how Snape treated him throughout his school career, that seemed a bit much.
By the same token, I feel like you're portraying James in a bit too negative of a light. It's interesting, because it's a bit of a reversal of what I'd expect in a time travel fic like this, but even so, it's a little problematic.
If Harry was able to forgive Snape for everything he'd done wrong in his life - and there was a lot - he was also clearly able to forgive both his father and Dumbledore for the things they'd done wrong in their youth. Harry gave his second son Snape's name as a middle name; his father (and Sirius) got the recognition first. I don't think that you can really have it both ways; why is Harry so protective of the current Snape because of who he would become, but so disgusted with his father despite everything that James would grow into?
It's not that I don't think Harry would try to stop his father from going after Snape. It's that I think Harry would feel a lot more conflict and confusion that you showed him feeling during that scene. It also felt a little anti-climactic; they go to jinx Snape, but Harry stops them without Snape doing more than telling them to get out of his way. Where exactly did Snape go?
I do generally like your portrayal of Lily - I think that Harry's having a very appropriate reaction to having so much access to his mother, and I think that you're showing an interesting side of Lily - cheerful, supportive, and generally friendly, even to two people she barely knows. I also found it interesting that she was present and not trying to defend Snape - it fit well with what we saw in the Pensieve, and Harry's knowledge of Snape in the future along with his distance from the falling out definitely gives him a very different vantage point than what Lily had.
My only two issues with her are that I think that she's a bit too hard on James, and I also didn't love the way you recycled the terms Lily used in the memories Harry saw. She's a creative person - would she really be unable to think of any words other than toe-rag and arrogant?
(character limit, see next review)
Author's Response: Hey! It's alright, I understand you being late =)
I really appreciate how you spend so much time on the mechanics! Thank you! I'll take your suggestions into account whenever I write now.
Well, you're right. Harry should have been more conflicted, and honestly, in my mind, he was. He was confused about his feelings for both Snape and James. I guess I wasn't able to write it down as I could have; my execution of the idea went wrong somewhere; I will try fixing that whenever I get to editing this story. Also, I feel that Harry has come to the past to do his job, you know? I have been trying to keep Harry's opinions and feelings about James/Snape/Sirius at a minimum, seeing as he knows what will happen in the future and knows that there's no point trying to change their actions of the past. So, he hasn't been paying attention to looking at James the way he's supposed to look. Lily, on the other hand, has been a different case as she introduced herself to them, making herself prominent automatically. I think I put down my basic idea here very well but I wasn't able to do that in the story, so thanks for pointing all those out! I'll try changing Harry's attitude a bit in the future!