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Review:In The Shadows I Dwell says:
Hi!
It's Ash here with your requested review! Okay, I like how you've decided to open your story. Having Draco still very much concerned with loyalty within the family was a nice touch seeing as it is a trait I doubt would leave him even in the time that had passed seeing as it seemed to be forced upon him quite strongly in his youth. I also like how Scorpius appears to be significantly different to his father, despite knowing that he is similar in appearance it is clear that both are entirely different men and their actions and words do strongly suggest this. I gathered that Scorpius does seem to be a better man than his father and he seems to know the difference between what is right and what is wrong and I'm certainly curious to know what Draco wants him to lie about.

There were a couple of little grammatical/spelling issues I noticed in this chapter, in the first line "A door slammed and footsteps echoed through the entrance hall to the Manor as Scorpius Malfoy stamped/stomped down the staircase and through to the lounge." The stamped/stomped in the centre of the sentence is a little distracting while reading and disrupts the flow of the sentence and paragraph overall, perhaps selecting one or the other might work better as they are very similar actions. Also, the use of the phrase "the grounds" in the seventh paragraph down twice in such a short space of time seems a little awkward when reading. Perhaps the first usage could be changed to 'the manor' or simply removed. For some reason having both just stood out a little to me. Aside from those two small issues, and a few sentences that seemed a little awkwardly worded the chapter was well written overall.

It does flow quite nicely, despite the chapter itself being a little short. Perhaps you could extend it a little to give the reader a little more insight into the relationships between the characters. It's clear Scorpius and his father don't exactly have a perfect relationship but why is this the case, and why does Scorpius react this way around Draco etc. Perhaps a little more detail could be given when he arrives at the Potter's as well, it just seemed a little brief although I perfectly understand if your going to extend this further in the next chapter, if that's the case then just ignore my rambling! Aside from those few little points I think it does flow nicely and it certainly opens up the plot of the story and I'm interested to see where it is going based upon the summary!

I really think you've captured the characters well, Scorpius in particular and I really like how you've characterized him, Draco as well. It's nice to see that he might not have completely changed and become a kind and caring man following the war. I think your version of him is very well written and perfectly within character. I also liked how you've portrayed the strength of Albus and Scorpius' friendship, nothing could have summed it up better than a hug, because really it makes me think of Ron hugging Harry in the movies. Overall, great job on this piece, it certainly has the potential to be a really exciting story and based on the summary and this first chapter it is something I'm looking forward to reading more of!

Keep up the great work!

~ Ash

Author's Response: Wow! Thanks for such a great review!

I'm glad that you saw the differences between Scorpius and his father, because I guess that was definitely something I wanted to convey. As for the terrible lie, that will become clear in the next chapter or two :)

Thank you for pointing those errors out! I skipped over the stamped/stomped, and meant to eventually delete one. Obviously I ignored it as I was uploading, which was stupid of me.I'll put a correction in for those things.

I realise that this is a little short, but I tried to keep this brief, it was really just a stepping stone to the main story. I kind of hoped that this would just introduce the story.

I'm so glad that you like the characterisations as well, because this is my first true attempt at writing characters that aren't the Founders.

Thanks again for such a great review!


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