Alright first of all I like the premise of this. It confusing but in a good way, I think you meant it to be vague most of the way through. I do think however that it could be wrapped up a bit better so those who read it are positive of what happened. It's a little unclear at the end what was going on throughout the fic. My best guess is that Harry is still possessed by Voldemort and it's driving him insane?
Before I focus on all the things you did well, I'll point out the things that could be improved upon. :) First, when it comes to the actual readability of the piece: Try to limit your comma usage! This is a common mistake and I'll be the first to admit that I'm a crazy comma user. I have to consciously remind myself to not use too many. Try not to use them so often, it creates unnecessary pauses and gets messy to read. Also, you tend to get overly wordy when describing things. Description is good, but limited description is better! Don't use more than one adjective/adverb to describe one thing. Also try alternating between short and long sentences. I see you have a tendency for long sentences, you use very few short ones. You could solve your comma problem easy here, instead of using many commas just split the different clauses into different sentences in some places.
I honestly don't have much to say on the plot. It was very nice. :) Very good ideas, you linked them together well and created a strong story.
Next are a few nit-picky items:
First, you say that Harry is temporarily "unawares" of the people behind him. Typically the word "unawares" is used when saying someone is "caught unawares", or in a state of being "unawares". It sounds awkward in this context, and I'd consider changing it to simply he was unaware of them behind him, without the s.
You have a small grammatical typo, when Harry is trying to remember the name of the two men. You say "what were there names?" when it should be "what were THEIR names?"
And for my last nit-pick: Harry says "That shouldn't be hard to process, can it?" This doesn't make sense. The words "shouldn't" and "can it" should agree. You could either say "That CAN'T be hard to process, can it?" or "That shouldn't be hard to process, SHOULD it?"
I think this piece has very good flow. It doesn't ever get boring or slow down too much. There's very little grammatical and spelling errors, and the suspense is set up very well. You have the readers wondering what is going on and wanting to read more so they can find out. I also especially like the scenes where Harry has his panic attack moments, such as in the woods or in his office. You describe those VERY well, they're actually my favorite scenes of the whole story. :) If you wanted to make them even better, you could look up panic attack symptoms or disorders such as post traumatic stress disorder and OCD, since he seems to exhibit some of the behaviors of those disorders.
Thanks for asking for my review. I enjoyed reading this. :)
Author's Response: Ooh, thank you for catching those! I've looked over this story countless times and /still/ find typos like that. Much appreciated!
The commas and long sentences are solely for stylistic purposes, and are there intentionally. :) It's a sort of reflection on how twisted Harry's mind is, if that makes sense. A bit dragged and confused, you understand, and not to mention this story was heavily inspired by Cormac McCarthy and William Faulkner -- stream-of-consciousness masters, and I was reading them both simultaneously when writing this.
I actually have social anxiety disorder and have had panic attacks, as well as traces of obsessive-compulsive disorder, so I tried to draw on those experiences in this as well. :) They might not be stereotypical expressions of those disorders, but they're very much mine.
Thanks for reviewing this so quickly! I'm very grateful. :)