Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Pen2Paper says:
Hey Vanessa,

So I'm here with your requested review. I'm sorry its taken such a long time to get this review out but the past few months have been increasingly crazy. Anyway I'm finally here with your review. Lets get to it.

Your concerns in this chapter were characterization and flow. I will also give you a general overlook of how I felt about it.

I haven't read the previous installment to this story "The Potter Boys and the Enchantment of Redheads" so I couldn't make any connection to it (since this a spin off) if there were any. Having said that I think this was a pretty good first chapter for a stand alone story.
You didn't have too much happening in the first chapter, it's more like getting acquainted with Lily who I'm assuming is the main character of the story. So plot wise there was really nothing to comment on. I do hope since you've established the character pretty well in this chapter you concentrate on building the plot and maintaining the characters essence in the future chapters.

Alright, flow. Well the flow was generally good. There were some instances where some words were missing and that sort of distracted from the story sometimes. eg. "It's not like I've heard it before" I think you meant, "It's not like I haven't heard it before" stuff like that. Nothing major, a quick review or beta would help clear it all up.

Spacing was good and chapters were well constructed. I should tell you though that in an attempt to get the "hard" nature of your character into description you tend to repeat yourself a bit. This sort of disrupts the flow at times and also becomes a little repetitive. These are things you can easily fix by going back and reading the story again.

Characterization. It is clear that you are bold and defiant with your characterization of Lily. You do of course have free reign here and the character you've created is very unique and different from any other version I've ever seen before. It is a bold risk to create an anti-hero as a main character because her attitude and strong personality may not appease all readers but on the other hand with dedication you can pull off a wonderfully unique story with this character.
To me Lily strikes as an odd egg coming from her parents personalities. But it is entirely possible for her to have such strong demeanour since she has been born into fame and possibly has her mother's fiery temper. She seems very concerned about her appearance, at times it comes across as a little vain, which is then quickly distracted by her bullying personality. It will be interesting to see how you develop Lily's character and where you plan to take her story.

It is nice that you have included that she does not always win and in fact she lost to her cousin Rose. Her respect for her adversary shows and integral quality in Lily that may have otherwise been overlooked or masked by her sarcasm and sharp tongue.

I am unsure of how you planned to portray Lily but I hope that what I've seen in her is what you hoped for and helps you to further develop her character.

Good work, hope you keep it up! :)
Best of luck.

~Pen2Paper

Author's Response: Yay! LONG REVIEW! Thank you so much!!! I love writing about my version of Lily, even though it's hard for people to stomach. This story is basically about her reform. She is one of the most flawed characters with a very skewed interpretation of the world. But with some magic and love and reality checks, she'll come to terms. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll go back and fix those things!!!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net