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Review:Violet Gryfindor says:
This was a very action-packed chapter, and it was interesting to see how you structured it, placing a greater focus on Damon. It was a treat to hear more from him, as you have generally focused on Elsa's point of view. It's pretty rare to hear from a male OC, especially in Marauder-era stories, so it was a great way of making your story more unique. Gosh, this chapter really sets your story apart from other Marauder-era fics, allowing you to not only include more action, violence, and suspense, but also to explore the family relationships between these OCs (well, they're kind of canons, but you've gone above and beyond in developing these Death Eater families to make them real people, not just "villains" as many have).

I have to admit that, at first, I thought that the red-eyed man was playing a trick on Damon, making him try to get what his brother stole without actually hurting Elsa. It seemed too coincidental with the glowing letter then the use of the whip - neither Damon nor the reader was able to truly see what was going on there. But then the ending! Gosh, these villains really are ruthless in their violence. I'm not sure whether it was the best plotting move to lost and retrieve Elsa in the same chapter, but you do have a lot of material to cover in this story, so moving quickly is probably more necessary. You did, however, leave the mystery of this villain and the object that Gareth had stolen - I'm wondering what it could be.

There were also a few blips in this story you should take note of. First, the confusion of Dominic and Damon in the cast list, then in the line "Her eyes burned and watered as they attempted to adjust to the blaring bright lights the flickered into existence as they walked", it should be "lights that flickered". There was another, but I can't remember where it was now, somewhere nearer to the end - it's more of a typo than anything.

This story... wow! I don't know how to put into words my amazement at the way you're developing the plot and the kind of situations you're putting your characters into. It's making for a really exciting story - one of those "page turners" - that's nothing like any other OC-based Marauder-era story I've read before. Great work in putting this story together! :D

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