|Review:||The Last Marauder says:|
Oh yeah, I also meant to say in the last review that I loved how you included photos of the characters at the start of each chapter, I've never seen that done before, but it works! :)
If you're still worried about cliches, I wouldn't call Mark a "prince charming" because that is a cliche, but other than that I didn't notice any others!
The dream/memory sequence at the start was good, you really emphasised how young and naive Dominique was, how she gave into peer pressure and drank etc. Again, we really feel for Dominique here, what happened to her is not her fault and you show that well.
Again, I couldn't see any out of character moments, so in terms of characterisation you're still grand ;) Overall, the piece flows well, but I will say it again, you under use commas and a few more commas here and there would help, but that's just a little thing, over all it is great!
Here's a few typos I've spotted, again, nothing major:
"She had never been in a place like that before" I think it should be "Never been in a place like THIS before", "that" doesn't make much sense in this instance, I think "this" is the right word to use.
"The only thing that stopped her for running straight back home was Mark" - should be "the only thing that stopped her FROM running" just replace "for" with "from".
"He and she had talked many times" - should be "THEY had talked many times"
"bluish" I would go with "blueish" but that could just be because I'm Irish, and we spell things a little differently, not sure, but thought I would point it out just in case.
"as she looked to Mark" I would go with "she looked AT Mark", it makes more sense grammatically. Again with "He looked to her and then grabbed her wrist", I would saw "He looked AT her"
"She tried to push him away murmuring No into his mouth" - "No" should have quotation marks around it: She tried to push him away murmuring "No" into his mouth.
"the light of the room started clearing to show four figures standing over her bed looking panicked" The light of the room clearing doesn't make much sense, I'd go with "the room suddenly came into focus, showing four figures etc" or something like that. The light of the room doesn't make sense in this sentence.
"Dominique clambered into her bed chucking the covers over her head, she saw as the room went dark and quietness was back, all she could hear was steady breathing and the occasional exasperated sigh." - OK, this sentence doesn't make sense. I think it should be: "Dominique clambered into her bed and chucked the covers over her head. As the room went dark and quiet, all she could hear was steady breathing and the occasional exasperated sigh."
"She couldn't hold the pain, the fear in any longer." should be "she couldn't hold the pain AND the fear in any longer"
"the foetus position" should be "the foetal position"
Other than that it's grand, great job! :)
Author's Response: Again thankyou for your review, I will be going through the chapters and changing those typo's soon xD Some mistakes I made make me laugh.
The prince charming thing I put in to show how easily deluded Dominique could become :D (I am allowed some cliche's mainly I want to avoid pregnancy ones and Mary Sue-ish ones)
I'm happy you think I did a great job, it means a lot. Thankyou so much xx