|Review:||The Last Marauder says:|
Hi there, I'm here with your requested review! I think I should point out from the start though that I haven't really read any pregnancy stories, but from what I could see there were no cliches in this. It isn't packed with platitudes and dreaded lines such as "she thought the world had come to an end" etc. So on the de-cliche front you're grand.
I really liked how you captured Dominique's sense of disbelief , panic and dispair here, and how the situation is overwhelming her. You really make the reader feel for Dominique here, by building up how she was the good girl, the girl that such an event could never happen to. She really is at a loss as to what to do and you capture that perfectly. I also liked how you showed all the other characters as distant. We don't get any descriptions of what the others look like, instead you focus on Dominique completely and it works, showing her isolation from the world around her and how she now feels cut off from anyone.
I thought your characterisation was fine, there were no out of character moments that I can see. So well done on that front.
Overall, I thought your grammar was fine, but I do think you tend to under-use commas, just thought I would mention that, a few more commas here and there wouldn't go a miss.
Also, here's just a few typos I spotted, nothing major:
"As she walked out of the bathroom, Rose was leant against the wall smiling brightly." - should be Rose "leant" against the wall, just drop the "was" :)
"Molly was rushing around the kitchen plating up food" - I don't think "plating" is right here, I'd go with "dishing out food", plating doesn't make much sense...
"Dominique could see Fleur sat eyeing the food" - I think it should be: "Dominique should see THAT Fleur", the "that" is missing.
Also, it should be Mummy's girl, and Daddy's girl, you don't want to use the plural (Mummies and Daddies) here, you want the possessive 's
"Dominique walked into the bedroom and saw Rose, Lily, Lucy and Roxanne all sat in a circle" - need to say "and saw THAT Rose, Lily etc" you need to insert a "that" there.
Well, that's it! Eagerly awaiting chapter two, I wonder who the father is now... :)
Author's Response: Oh my this review is huge XD
Thankyou for this, I am glad you dont think its cliche, I always worry about that. AND YOU NOTICED! I wanted to keep description to a minimum in this chapter because I wanted to mainly focus on Dom, no one else really pointed that out.
Thankyou for pointing out the typo's that helps because I am rubbish at proof reading xD
Thankyou for this great review :D x