|Review:||Secret Santa says:|
Why, hello, there. I hope you're not getting sick of these treats because I have a long way to go. Ha. I'm sure you're not complaining. Here is your third treat, enjoy!
I'm going to split this review up into the respective 'sections'. Make it easier for me to get my thoughts in order and you won't have to deal with rambling on about nothing and everything.
Again with your characterisation. It's like Handprint. You don't give us massive chunks of text about everyone but you just dive in. I wish I could do that. It takes so much confidence and I love it. It's like when I'm reading it that I'm not being spoonfed and I like that. I like being able to conjure up my own pictures in my head while I read and you definitely had me doing that in this.
However (and I'm cringing as I write this because I hate writing these bits) I will say that you could add in a bit of description. Not much, just a little bit. It seemed a lot like the conversation was driving the story. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that since the conversation was interesting, in character and enjoyable. But you have to be careful that your stories aren't just lines of dialogue and nothing else. This is from Scorpius's POV (well in third person over his shoulder) so maybe you could add in a bit about what Scorpius is thinking? Don't get me wrong, it's not like your story is lacking description and is horrible because I swear, it's not! I haven't even read the second section yet and I already love it. I just think you could do with a bit more description. The easiest way to see what I mean is crack open a HP book. Find a few pages with lots of conversation and you will see how JKR manages to put in enough description so that the reader is not overwhelmed but still knows what's going on. It takes practice but I am absolutely sure you will get there because you are so good at everything else!
Awww, how cute. Scorpius hates Rose Weasley and thinks she's infuriating. Oh, the perils of being twelve and having to deal with the opposite sex. :P That is so sweet! You really have the age down pat, you know that? I don't know how old you are, but it is so in character. The dialogue, the gestures. Everything. And everyone. It's just awesome.
Now, I think I have worked out what you need to do with your description. See, you're pretty damn awesome at it in the prose parts of your stories. But you just need to put in a few more lines during the dialogue bits and you're all set! Seriously, just add in a few lines about what Scorpius is thinking or doing and you'll be fine. Because you're so good at the bits without dialogue - so just kind of think of it as interspersing the dialogue with the non-dialogue bits... if that makes sense. It probably doesn't.
I just don't want you to be disheartened because your writing is so good and it's such a minor thing. It's like that tiny little spot that you have missed when you're washing a window and once you get rid of it, it's perfect. It's not that noticeable but at the moment, it is just a tiny bit shy of perfection.
Because everything else is so good. I love how good friends everyone is! You can really tell with the way they talk and interact with each other.
Oh, Scorpius, you do not hate her. Well. Maybe you do. But that will change once you get older. Gosh, I love this. You are so clever with how each section is them on the train. It's lovely to see how their relationship progresses and it keeps things interesting.
You are so brave. You don't have a lot of plot in the middle (i.e. the rest of the school year) to work of, so you just have to kind of jump in and write and hope the reader knows where you're going without a lot of context.
The reader does, by the way. :)
Your description in the dialogue parts of this was spot-on, by the way. You can kind of ignore everything I've already said about it. God, that makes this review kind of pointless. Dum dee dum. I'm sorry!
Scorpius, as if you don't find her attractive! What happened to her being like a porcelain doll? Please. I don't believe it for one second. Silly boy. He so likes her. It's so obvious. Hee.
I love these types of stories. You have turned a love-hate relationship plot on its head because it is not cliche at all. And I think it's because of the fact that you have it on the train every year and it's just so original and and and...
I love it. And I have to read the next chapter!
Author's Response: Oh, no worries - I'm not disheartened at all. I know that this is probably one of the weakest chapters I've posted, and while I've tried to edit it, I haven't really sat down yet and really given it a thorough going-through. I need to at some point, but I always seem to be doing something else.
This is an example of what my stories looked like before I really put a lot of effort into improving my description. There just wasn't quite enough, and that was a problem.
I'm really glad you like Scorpius here. I really enjoy my Scorpius, too, even if this particular chapter is not an example of my best writing ever. I'm especially glad that you don't think that he's cliche, because I definitely didn't want him to turn out that way!
Thank you so much for your review. You're lovely. :)