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Review:Arithmancy_Wiz says:
Hi, Cassius, I'm here filling your review request. Sorry it took me a few days to get to it but I hope the length of the review helps make up of the wait. Just as a quick note, I have read the first 3 chapters as requested and, as promised, will offer what I *hope* is constructive criticism - but it's just my opinion in the end and is meant only to be helpful.

Let me start by saying that I really like the concept for this story. I do see the occasional Grindelwald/Dumbledore fic in the queue but very few that embrace the broader history of what was occurring during that time period. I think it's great how you are mixing fact and fiction here, and while I know you are taking some liberties with historical accuracy, the fact that you've included some real details makes for an interesting change from traditional fanficiton. From what I can tell, you seem to be setting up a nice plot here. You've got several "separate" stories working but I can already see they are going to tie together and culminate in a great climax at some point. I really can't think of much to critic on the plot front.

I have a few "mechanical" things I thought I would mention as I saw them crop up in all three chapters. First, you seem to have a tendency to use a comma where there should be a period in some of your dialogue. Here's an example:

"Your quest for power has blinded you," said Porthos, "You may beat me now, but you can never win."

As "Your quest..." and "You may..." are complete sentences, there should be a period after Porthos, not a comma. It would be a comma is the two were part of the same sentence, like: "Your quest for power," said Porthos, "has blinded you."

Second, when a person is talking to another person and uses their name, there should be a comma. Example: "Good morning Alan," should be "Good morning, Alan,"

Third, and this is just a suggestion, I think you identify your speaker (he said/she said/etc) more than you need to. When the conversation is back and forth, particularly just between two people, the reader can usually tell who is speaking and too many "identifications" can break up the flow. Again, not wrong, just something to think about.

Okay, back to the more meaty stuff. You mentioned descriptions in your request so I'll focus on that next. So far, I think you are off to a good start. A "war" story isn't going to necessarily lend itself to lots of flowery description and as your writing style includes lots of short scenes per chapter, too much descriptions would bog things down. That said, I thought you missed a few good opportunities where more description could have really brought the story alive even more. I'm thinking particularly in chapter one. Your scene is set in the Louvre - what a cool location! There was so much opportunity to play here and I was sad there wasn't more "atmosphere." Also, in that same section, there is a wand battle - another prefect chance to use some vibrant language, but the scene was a little matter-of-fact. Also, in the third chapter, within two sentences, Dumbledore goes from thinking about the pensieve to already being in his memory. I know we know how pensieves work from the books but I would have loved a line about "that familiar falling sensation" or the "the fog clearing away as his memory returned to him." Again, I know your story is a more faced-paced, lots going on kind, but even a sentence or two that invokes the senses can go a really long way.

I will follow that point up by saying though that I loved the opening of chapter three. I think it is by far the strongest of all the scenes up through that point. It really felt like you took your time, set the scene up perfectly. You didn't just jump into the fact that these men were being sent off on a mission. You added fun details about the movie stars and their disheveled appearances. Overall, this was really well done, in my opinion, and I think if you slowed down and expanded some of your other scenes, they would pop even more.

On one small side note, I would say one detail you didn't need was mentioning in chapter two that the map on the wall was like Churchill's. You did a great job of drawing parallels between the two war rooms so actually coming out and saying it wasn't necessary.

Lastly, you mentioned characterization, so I'll end with that. I think everyone thus far is right in line with what you would expect. No one seems OOC at all, at least as this point. As it's still early in the story, it's hard to say how they are "developing" but I think you've at least gotten things off to a good start. Slughorn may have been a bit overexcited in chapter one, but I do think, knowing his behavior in book 6, him wanting to hide seems true to form. Most of my knowledge of Churchill is based on movie portrayals but I think he seems in character as well. Since you seem to know a lot about WWII, I'll assume you know more about him than I do. Dumbledore also seems to be progressing well, particularly in his calm demeanor - at least externally. I imagine from the tidbits at the end of chapter three, you plan to show more of his inner turmoil, which will really serve to further "beef up" the character.

Overall, really great job on the plot so far. I like the time period of the piece, the threat of an Egyptian Army of the Dead, the high stakes for both muggles and wizards...lots of great stuff to really sink your teeth into. With the exception of the few comma issues, the chapters are pretty well crafted and easy to read, and as I said before, the opening of chapter three really shines. If you slow down in a few places and add in a bit more colorful language at times, it might really liven things up, even in information heavy scenes.

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I hope this gives you some of the type of feedback you were looking for! PS - The staff in me can't help but say you should really add a citation for the crocodile quote ;)

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for this really long and really helpful review!

I'm glad you liked the idea behind the story. Everything we learned about Grindelwald just seemed to tie in so closely with WWII and I was so curious about how it all fit togther that I finally just decided to write it myself.

Since this is my first fic, especially in the early chapters I didn't relaly have the hang of writing dialogue yet. Those were really helpful points you made about adding more descriptions to the settings. I'd like to think I've gotten better at those things as the story goes on, and I'll probbaly go back and re-do the early chapters when I finish writing.

I'm so glad you liked the beginning of Chapter 3, I really like those characters and its been fun creating personalities for them. On a side note, based on his name and generation I'm sure you can guess the greater significance of John Evans:)

Thanks again for taking the time to write such an in depth review, this was very helpful and i relaly appreciate it.

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