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Review:WitnesstoitAll says:
Hello.

The structure of this chapter was more coherent than what I read in your other story. It makes me happy to see that you put so much of yourself into your stories. It is really evident that you enjoy writing. I do not claim to be a great writer or anything close to it, but if I may make a few suggestions?? While Marlene seems really entertaining, I find it hard to connect with her emotionally. I can't really grasp where she is at in regards to being an orphan, where she falls in the hierarchy of her friends. It may be intentional on your part, in which case ignore everything I've said, but everytime I feel like I should see some hint of Marlene's character beneath all of her silliness, bam! more silliness. Sure there are scattered, random sort of people in RL, but that's not all they are. They think deep thoughts and feel things even if not on the surface.

I love developing characters and think that it's useful to consider a character as a whole. Think of them as a real person with real thoughts, feelings, faults etc.

Please don't take this harshly, it's only meant as a suggestion. It very well may be that you want Marlene to be a bit superficial to the readers at this point in the story. Also, it is endearing that the characters have nicknames! that is a lovely touch. Something to think about, I tend to find it the most effective when characters mainain their proper names in narrative, and only adopt the nicknames in dialogue between the characters. They really are a personal touch that gives you the feel that they all really know one another.

This is a good start! I can tell that you love writing and that is the best part of this.

Lovely job,
Melissa

Author's Response: Melissa. I love you! So much. Believe it or not, but you've actually been an inspiration in ways you may not understand through this review and our conversation on hpff. Wow. I don't quite know what to say when someone takes apart your story so beautifully and thoroughly like this then puts it back together with a bow and scented plasers!

I do love writing and I do try. The thing with this story is at first I tried to make Marlene all serious and angsty. It didn't worked. Then I tried to make her naive and silly. That hasn't worked either! But I'm not going to give up on her. I'll get her right and it will really help my characterisation skills (which are not currently very high).

Thanks for your compliment on the nicknames! Please know you've really, truly helped me here. Rhiannon xx (and yes I will edit coffe story now!!) x


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