Hey, this is apocalypse, here with you review!
Let's start off with some appreciation.
The beginning was a very visual introduction to a chapter; the start was described in a classic manner that grabbed my attention immediately! It's hard to replicate stories like Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet but you were pretty successful at it. Well done! =). I like the idea of chess at Hogwarts; you choose a really suitable substitute for Quidditch. Irrespective of the change in the competition, the rivalry between the two houses was maintained pretty well. Good job.
Description: An amazing description! It's bees SO long since I saw so much description and do not have to advise you to add more! I feel really good about it. I look for description a lot and I have to say that so far your description level was really good. The description of the chess game got me absorbed in the scene to the extent that even I could feel the tension. Making your readers feel the way your characters feel? It's a huge achievement! Excellent job! = ). The details regarding the weather added to the intensity of the scenario. Keep it up! However, I'm afraid that I have to say that it went slightly overboard. It wasn't wrong but it would've been a teeny bit different and better if you would have cut down on it only a teensy bit. But that's just my opinion; you can ignore it if you want because despite the suggestion, I still think that your description was amazing =)
Rose: A very impressive entrance; made me like her character that very second. Though, I'm afraid I have some issues with Malfoy's character. I mean he being a Malfoy, I would expect him to complete disregard a Weasley's appearance and not notice it in as much detail as he did; not yet anyway. It just sounded abrupt.
Also in reference to Rose you wrote, 'who now loved her' it was a big jump to the conclusion, don't you think? It's been years and a chess game made Malfoy notice and fall in love with her at the same time? The flow doesn't seem to have established. Maybe if you explained how it's been a while since he started noticing her, in the past few years; summarizing it would have made it sound more appropriate. The part where Malfoy's blushing, hiding and admiring Rose, do you think that's what a Malfoy would do? Sure, a Romeo would. =). Not that your new perception of his character is wrong, you just need to work on the transition of Romeo being a Malfoy. These are merely suggestions and I don't intend to offend your anything =) Just saying what I think. Of course, your idea of Romeo being Malfoy would have a special meaning to you =)
Towards the end. The ending paragraph was the highlight of the chapter for me! =DD That is what a Malfoy-ish description should be like. I was very glad to read it =)
I hope my review helps you! Again, no offence intended =)
Author's Response: Your reviews are extremely helpful! It's wonderful that you took the time to read the chapters so carefully and make such detailed recommendations for improving them. This story is a troubling one for me because it's one that I challenged myself to write - mostly in terms of being Scorose and focused more on the Slytherins - but written in a style that I'm very familiar with, a style that's not really used for Next-Gen stories. It's meant a strange confusion of things, though. XD
I really like your point about Scorpius falling for her that quickly. It can happen, but it's not so much "love" as "attraction" or, as in his case, an infatuation. He never really loves her, but rather finds himself fascinated by her vitality, however much he is repelled by her innate cruelty and emotional distance. I think that by saying "love", I was half-making fun of typical romance stories, particularly those in the Romeo & Juliet line. Instead, I'll change it to infatuation, and hopefully that works as something more realistic.
Your point about confusing the Shakespeare characters with Rose and Scorpius is true, and I really have to watch for that - it's something that I'll be editing over the holidays before finishing off the story. I'm really glad that you mentioned it because those parts of the story were the ones I was having most trouble with. Scorpius and Rose on their own, separated from one another, are easy to write, but when I put them together in this story, they melt into their R&J roles and lose their individuality - it's definitely a weakness of the story.
On the other hand, I'm extremely glad that the descriptions (of other things) turned out so well! I let myself go wild with descriptions in this story, and it's so much fun to go into that much detail to evoke atmosphere. I was reading Wuthering Heights while writing this chapter, and the Bronte style is really laid on heavy. It was very interesting to write a chess game like this, but wizard's chess is intense, and thus it required a very tense atmosphere. :D
Thank you again for the wonderful reviews! I've found your suggestions very helpful and not at all offensive - it's great to get a strong critique, as there's always room for improvement and a second or third or forth opinion is very helpful to have. ^_^ I'll respond to the other two reviews soon!