Hi, SilentConfession. I'm here filling your review request. I'm going to review both chapters and give my general comment about plot and characters and such at the end, but I wanted to pause here and make a few specific notes on this chapter. As promised, I'm going to be critical but I mean it only to be helpful and hopefully it is taken as such...and, of course, it's only my opinion in the end and can be ignored as you see fit :)
I like that you've basically started off with a prologue of sorts here. I assume from the way this chapter ended, much of the story that follows will show what brought your character to this point in her life. I think it's great to give readers a sense of what is to come/the path the story will take, without, of course, giving it all away up front.
I'm not going to "beta" the chapter but I did want to point out that there are few sentences that are not particularly clear. I think some may be typos/missing words, but others you may want to think about tweaking a bit so your meaning is clearer. Below are a few that stood out to me:
The dark, dank feeling cloaked the room like mildew that grew like death. It was suffocating. I think they fed on it like cockroaches, the filth.
I like the imagery and atmosphere you are building here, but if you really break this down, it doesn't completely make sense. How does mildew grow like death? Or are you referring to the dank feeling growing like death, in which case you need to restructure the sentence so your simile is more clear. Also, did "they" feed on the darkness or the filth? Or are you calling "them" filth? If it's the latter, I would make "the filth" its own little sentence, or maybe even capitalize filth as you are using it almost like a name.
I hadn't know him, his face had been covered, as they had covered mine with their cold metal, I tried to tell myself he had no other choice.
This is just a run-on sentence. Make the "I tried..." its own sentence. A comma alone isn't sufficient to attach it.
Finally they raised my wand into the candlelight; they were stripping it or something, making sure there was no tracing charm and whatnot. I heard once from someone that once they did that, the wand would never be the same.
This one makes sense but it's clunky, which is a shame because I love the idea that what they are doing to her wand damages it. That is such a great detail (and rather clever) that is so very death eater-y. The "something" and "whatnot" weaken the point. If she knows the result of their actions on her wand, then why is she so unsure what to call the action? Also, you use "once" twice, within three words of each other. Keep an eye out for word repetition like that.
I bet if he said that if they jumped on one foot for one whole day then next they'd meet their true that they'd believe him.
I think this may be the case of a simple word missing. Maybe true LOVE?
Now that...I looked into his metal face that I could agree with.
Technically, as written, this sentence suggests that (1) the man has more than one metal face and (2) she is looking into the one face she could agree with. I'm pretty sure you mean: Now that – I looked into his metal face – I could agree with.
He was whimpering and I noticed his eyes never left the floor but remained bowed his deep submission as he was threw him at my feet.
I think this may be another case of typos, as it doesn't make sense as written. Perhaps: He was whimpering, and I noticed his eyes never left the floor but remained bowed in submission as they threw him at my feet.
Overall, I like what you are working to do with this chapter. It sets the scene, it introduces the character at a moment that presents the reader with lots of questions and makes them want to read on. It has atmosphere and glimpses of humor. It just needs polished up a bit. Make sure each sentence actually says what you mean it to say. If a reader has to go back and read something again, it pulls you out of the story.
Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to point out these errors, i really appreciate the critique and you have some wonderful pointers. I have such an issue with missing words because when i read it, i read it as if the word is there. I've recently picked up a beta who will hopefully help with these so that it get's a second pair of eyes.
I understand about the grow like death comment- i've been thinking about it and i suppose the only reason it's there is that i really liked the sound of it. When i wrote it myself and didn't strip it down to what it meant, or didn't mean. I'm not entirely sure if i will change it as it still evokes the feeling i want from it but i will try and figure out if i can rephrase it or find better words to express it
I'm glad there are at least glimpses of humour, i'm not a humour writer and this challenge has definitely been difficult for me as a writer. I find that humour is the hardest thing to translate on screen. I've tried constructing a character though that it's built into so that i don't have to try to be funny but let her do the talking.
Thank you again for all these comments and taking the time to point them out!