Hi there! LionsRule here from the forums with your requested review! ^_^
First of all, your plot was well-structured. It was short and sweet, which was great, as it really just provided a snapshot of Phineasí life. I think it was great that it was only one scene of his life that was written, because if it had gone one any longer, it would have made it boring. So you chose well with your word length.
Also, I really enjoyed the opening scene. It was familiar to HP readers because it was in the book, so it definitely stuck to the books. Yet you didnít simply copy it out of the books, but you did your own spin on it. It was really refreshing to see it from Phineasí point of view.
The tone was very consistent, and you also stuck to the characters well. You really got into Phineasí character and you stuck to his true personality, which helped make the story very believable. You also explained some of the backstory, so it was easy for readers to follow along.
I also loved your word choice. You picked great vocabulary to make the story sophisticated, yet you didnít make it confusing. I canít tell you how annoying it is to read a fan fiction where it seems as though the author looked up every single word in a thesaurus and changed it! Yet your word choice was sophisticated enough, but still easy to understand. That really helped your sentence flow and provided a good addition to the piece.
Now- these are just suggestions, so don't take these too harshly. I always look for any critique when I review, so here are a few areas where you might be able to improve.
There were a few parts of the story that dragged a bit, so it might be a good idea to revise your flow. Some sentences were a bit choppy, while others had a bit too much detail. For example, the conversation between Phineas and Derwent in the beginning, as well as when Dumbledore asks Phineas for a favor tends to drag a little bit. The ending is a bit rushed in comparison.
However, overall, I think this was an excellent piece. It was very refreshing to read, and it was also very original. You are a fantastic writer! Feel free to request again from me in the future for any other stories you might want reviewed. Keep up the amazing work! ^_^
Author's Response: Hey there!
Thanks for such a nice review :)
Glad you liked my plot, word length, opening scene, the tone, Phineas's character, the backstory and the vocabulary. I really appreciate your comments, and feel flattered :) Thank you!
Don't worry, I don't take the suggestions harshly :)
I'll see what I can do about the flow to make it less draggy when I do an edit, and about the sentences too - thanks for pointing that out.
I am happy to know it made a refreshing read and you think I'm "fantastic". That puts a nice big smile on my face ^_^
Thanks a lot once again!! I'll surely request for some other story of mine soon!