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Review:Elysa Strink says:
I absolutely adore your opening sentence! The whole paragraph in fact, the wording and description is just brilliant. Not too wordy, yet vivid and engaging. Brilliant.

The last sentence of that paragraph did throw me a bit though. Your side note about how he doubted Molly slept took me a couple reads. I'd suggest trying to split that sentence up, or maybe use some hyphenation rather than just commas? It just was hard to follow.

You portray some weighty, emotional and very personal issues in a great way! You're digging deep into how hard and complex something like this could be and it's great.

There were a few places throughout the story where I saw some word repetition like; "sleeping bodies turned over in their sleep." It's a fine sentence, but I find that using the same word so closely together can just read slightly awkward. even just saying "bodies turned over in their sleep" still says the same thing and feels a bit more natural, I think.

I loved the dialogue between ron and hermione, though I wish there had been a bit more description. What did Hermione's face look like as she said things? Stuff like that. Also, though I feel like the general theme of the words is very in character, the way they're phrased doesn't feel natural for the situation. Having (unfortunately) been around angry drunk people quite a few times, I can tell you the speech is often slurred and awkward, you did a great job with his almost irrational emotion, but maybe clip his sentences to be more simplistic. And I think Hermione is almost saying too much. In response to a drunk person I often find myself ranting with short sentences, similar sentiments to what she has to say, but not quite as coherent - it's hard to respond to a drunk person! These are just some pointers from personal experience and might not be universal, but I thought I'd offer them up.

"Arthur hated the fact that war took over your life and didn't you go until years after the last spell had been cast." This is just another great sentence! You've taken a very familiar sentiment from the real world and put it in wizarding terms, and it just works so well!

Also, I love the way you alternate between detailed scenes and some emotional reflection and really delving into character thoughts, it's a good mix.

Lovin' it!

~E

Author's Response: Thanks once again for writing a very thoughtful (and long) review! I really appreciate it!

I'm so glad that you liked the opening sentence and I will keep your comments in mind when editing the story- I do agree that it is a little confusing and wordy. I will go back and fix those other sentences you mentioned- I do agree that they sound awkward.

As well, thanks for your opinion on drunk, angry Ron. I myself have not been around very many drunk people, or any drunk angry people so I didn't know quite how to portray Ron's actions. I will go back and "fix" his dialogue- I agree that shorter sentences would be more realistic.

I'm so glad that you're still enjoying the story and thanks once again for the lovely review!


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