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Review:Beeezie says:
Here's your first review! Just PM me as you decide where you'd like me to use your other nine. No hurry. :)

First off, a couple brief mechanical things.

The first paragraph is a bit repetitive at the end in particular - there were a lot of "I've seen"s, and I would suggest either combining some or cutting some out (or both). I ended up feeling like they weren't really adding much, and were just kind of distracting.

In the sixth paragraph (which starts with, "It was the youngest girl"), you say "awakening the forgotten painting that awoke with a start" - I think if you restructure the sentence to use "awake" only once, it would feel smoother. In addition, for the sentence starting, "Hey father sighed and casted a blue spell" - it should be "cast," not "casted," and you should have an "and" before "silence descended."

The paragraph after she reads the caption above "Erised" is a bit unclear. I wasn't really sure what you were saying in it.

Finally, I would recommend checking out the article on dialogue tags in the grammar guidelines section of the forums, because I noticed a few errors in how you were punctuating your dialogue. :)

Mechanics aside...

I like the basic idea, but the specific premise is a bit shaky. How did they get into the Gringotts vault in the first place? Didn't Dumbledore donate all of his belongings to Hogwarts? I also never got the impression that the Dumbledores were especially wealthy, or that they would curse their belongings. I wasn't sure why Bill would bring his children into a potentially dangerous vault. I would have liked it more if you'd just said that the mirror had been recovered and Bill was going through the fairly mundane task of sorting through the gold and making sure that nothing was cursed, or something along those lines - it seems plausible that he'd bring his kids to work then.

I also felt like the mirror was a little inconsistent. It comments that she was different and special, but clearly remembers Ron and Harry just fine.

This is very minor, but you refer to Victoire's hair as both white-blonde and golden. Which is it? There is a difference.

I did, however, like the interactions between Dominique and her family, although Bill's concern for the treasure rather than for her seemed a little unrealistic, given what we know about his character. However, feeling dwarfed by her siblings, being teased by her sister... that all made sense to me. It's classic middle-child syndrome.

I do like the way that you had her find the mirror, and why the rest of her family didn't see it, although I questioned all of the climbing she had to do to reach it. How could she read it from that far away, and how did the rest of her family not notice?

I really liked what you had her see, and how you compared her reaction to Ron's. However, you lost me on some of the details. I think that your depiction of the wizarding world is a bit too overstated - the idea that the pendulum has swung that far over wasn't realistic to me, and I wasn't sure how people would know that she was pureblood without knowing the she was a Weasley (or, for that matter, how they could identify muggleborns to pull them out of lines). It felt a bit unrealistic and, like I said, overstated, to me. Something more subtle would have been nice - for example, people talking down purebloods and then telling her that of course they don't mean her, she's different, or her feeling like people who didn't actively fight against the death eaters in the war were mistreated, or hostility from muggleborns, or... you know? I really love the idea, but I wanted a little more subtlety so that it was more plausible. Does that make sense?

All in all, though, this was a good piece, and I really enjoyed the very different take on Dominique! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :) Sorry I took so long to reply - I was using it to reference the changes. I think I've changed most of the mechanics (thanks for pointing them out) and have altered the plot slightly to make more sense.
I've kept some of it the same because if I ever do decide to turn it into a short-story - i have a plot to go from :D

Thanks for the review :D


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