Why Hello There Ihzzy! (I like making nicknames so there. :P)
It's SeverusLove from the forums and I'm here for your review (FINALLY. -.-).
Well, I think your two lovely betas did a great job as I am currently having a hard time finding something to give critic on. I was too engrossed in the story, it was hard concentrating. Hold on while I reread it.
Done! Okay, first of all, I have gained this sort of fascination for the second voice just recently and thus, I am fascinated by your story. :) The second voice is the rarest and least used in the writing world and for good reasons too. One of them is that it is very hard to maintain.
Usually, it is paired off with the present tense and I assume you were going for that here. But there are times when you jump from present to future to past and it just sounds so all over the place. For example:
In this sentence, you go from present to future:
She's the one who spits out, "Potter" and you're still the one who'll reply, "Yes, Lily?"
-- you can rephrase that to: "She's the one who spits out, "Potter" and you're still the one who replies, "Yes, Lily?"
Now this may be not a very big problem when used once in a while, but when used too much, it gets really messy. Another example is this:
"She's the one who's so beautiful it hurts to look at her, but by the time you get up the strength, she's gone.
But she's also the one who'd never believe you if you told her how much you felt for her.
She'd never fall for it if you told her she was beautiful when she told new students where to go.
She wouldn't believe you if you told her how perfect her eyes looked in the sun, or how much it fascinated you to see her read because of how she bit her bottom lip.
Because she's Lily Evans and you're James Potter and in Lily Evans' world, nothing goes unplanned. There's not a slip of the tongue, not a whispered word or a ghost of a smile."
-- which can be rephrased to:
She's the one who's so beautiful it hurts to look at her, but by the time you get up the strength, she's gone.
But she's also the one who'd never believe you if you tell her how much you feel for her.
She'd never fall for it you tell her she is beautiful when she tells new students where to go.
She wouldn't believe you if you tell her how perfect her eyes look in the sun, or how much it fascinates you to see her read, because of how she bites her bottom lip.
Because she's Lily Evans and you're James Potter and in Lily Evans' world, nothing goes unplanned. There is not a slip of the tongue, not a whispered word, or a ghost of a smile.
-- it may flow better that way. This, however, is your choice and isn't that major of a problem so feel free to ignore this little nitpick. :)
As for the progression of plot and the flow, the transitions are hardly noticeable. But if you look closely and sometimes, the transitions go by so suddenly that for a while after, I get slightly confused. Like in the first part of the story, James was talking about how beautiful she is and how jealous of her girls are and then suddenly, James is talking about how she isn't the girl he remembers.
The last part confused me too when he dropped to the floor. I kept on thinking about how he would know what happens next when he's already dead, hahaha. Maybe he can still see after his death as some sort of ghost watching the scene or something. :P Same thing about the last thoughts of Lily. Unless James can read minds. xD
The tone and description was really good; the tone was consistent and the description was interesting.
For sentence structure and format and style, I find them perfect. I liked your choice of words. The comparisons and descriptions were simple and brief but strong and beautiful. The format was great, I love the way you divided it into short and sweet little sentences. It made it simple and easy to read and understand so kudos to that. :D
As for characterisation, they were just about perfect to me. I just find it odd during the last thoughts of Lily as I would've expected her to be more focused on Harry, but I guess that was necessary for the challenge huh?
Also, the phrase "She's the one who every guy secretly has a crush on and every girl is secretly jealous of." in the beginning makes her sound sort of Mary Sue-ish for me. But I guess that should be since I am seeing her through James' eyes after all, and James probably sees Lily as perfect. :P
But how could he be so sure? Maybe if you add 'probably' or 'should be' in there, like "She's the one who every guy (probably) secretly has a crush on and every girl (should be) jealous of." would be more in character. :D
For spelling and grammar, I did find one typo (I pride myself in being nitpicky spelling/grammarwise so it would be a shame if I didn't. :P). :D The typo word/phrase is inside the parentheses. :)
She's the one who zones out when she walks and concentrates so much at what (she) doing that she can't stop for anyone or anything -- I think you meant for that to be 'what she's doing'. :) Also, I've noticed that there are sometimes a few extra unnecessary commas. It is nothing big though, so you can just leave it like that. ^^
But overall and in general, it was a beautiful story. It was light and happy, but with deep meaning and a touch of angst. It was simple but strong and the short paragraphs made it very easy to read and understand. Thank you for requesting it, I truly did enjoy reading it. :)
Author's Response: Aw, thank you soo much for taking time to write out this much!! You're a star < 3
I'll definitely take all of this in consideration as i edit it! :)