Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Beeezie says:
Here with your review! :)

First off, I want to mention a few minor mechanical issues.

First paragraph: The second sentence reads, "Their actions were swift as they moved with haste," and the last sentence included the phrase, "quickened their pace." All of that put together is really far too much description of them as moving quickly - say it once, and then move on. Other than that, your description in the first paragraph is outstanding.

Second paragraph: It's a little awkwardly worded. "As far as the rain and wind went; the night was however, still" - there are two issues here. First, when you use a semi-colon, both the part before it and the part after it should be complete on their own. The second part is complete (although personally, I would switch the placement and "was" and "however"), but "As far as the rain and wind went" isn't. Secondly, I wasn't even quite sure what you meant by this.

Fourth paragraph, first sentence: "was ceased" should be "had ceased."

Seventh paragraph (starting, "The second of the two men"): Is "gut-wrenching" really the right word? It usually means "unpleasant" or "depressing." Now, the scene certainly sounds gut-wrenching, but you reference smell, which makes me think that "sickening" or something along those lines would work better. As with the first paragraph, though, the description in this was very strong.

Paragraph starting, "I have never heard of such a thing" (near the bottom): it should be "yourselves," not "yourselfs."

Finally, remember to be careful with your dialogue tags. For example, in the same paragraph (starting, "I have never heard of such a thing"), it should be "he demanded," not "He Demanded." There's no need to capitalize.

That aside:

Your descriptions were very strong in general. I particularly liked your "Muggles had always been the bravest of races" comment - it was interesting, thought-provoking, and added something very distinctive to the piece. It might be foreshadowing or it might not, but either way, I think it works.

I don't know much about the plot yet - Seamus, Draco, and Blaise all seem a little OoC at this point, but I'm going to wait to see what you do with this before deciding whether it's a problem. However, I will say that it's quite intriguing, and leaves me wanting to know more! :)

Author's Response: Nawww ^_^ Your too kind, actually I do know about all the Dialogues :/ I just haven't had time to reconstruct it yet and edit it. I do know that they are their though and I will fix them. :)

I'll fix the grammar, and take everything you've said into account. :)

Muggles, play a big part in this, as they are no longer living. Well most of them anyway. Wizards and Witches are the only survivors in the messed up world, there are a few muggles, but very few.

I'm glad you liked my descriptions. ^_^

Unfortunatley, in this world they're in Drac, is about the only one who wont be in Character, and I know this does bug a lot of people :/ and I am sorry, if Draco is one of your favourite characters and you like him in character, but he wont be in this :/ xx

Thank you so much for your helpfull review, I appreciate it and can't wait for the next one ^_^ xx

~Karni, xx

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 724
Submit Report: