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Review:Beeezie says:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!

First off, I just want to say that it's a lovely banner. I wish I could make decent banners. :)

Okay. Review time!

I'm not going to go too much into the more minor mechanical errors, because I'm sure that it's stuff that your beta will pick up on. However, a trend I did notice was incorrect or awkward punctuation - where I saw awkward sentences, it wasn't so much your word choice as your punctuation choice. For example, in the first paragraph (also, you made a typo with "Voldemort" there, calling him "Voldermort"): "But they lied, Lord Voldemort's followers- The Death Eaters, were still..." There's nothing actually wrong with the words here, but the punctuation makes them ambiguous. For one thing, as is, it seems like you're saying that Voldemort's supporters were the ones who lied, which doesn't really make sense. I think that the comma after "lied" needs to be anything but a comma - a period, a colon, a semi-colon, or a dash would all work. You should also have the same punctuation before "the Death Eaters" and after - again, a dash or a comma would have worked, but as it just didn't.

You also didn't always use dialogue tags (he said, she snapped, etc) correctly - there's a great article on them under "Grammar Guidelines" in the forums, but I'll give you a quick outline.

A dialogue tag should never start with a capital letter, unless (of course) the first word is a proper name. For example: ["Where have you been?" she asked] or ["Where have you been?" Eleanor asked], never ["Where have you been?" She asked]. This is because the dialogue tag is not actually its own sentence - it exists only as part of the dialogue. Additionally, dialogue that is followed by a dialogue tag should never end in a period - if it normally would, use a comma instead.

Hopefully that made sense. If not, PM me! I also highly recommend looking at the dialogue tags article; I find it really helpful. :)

Okay, I'm done being an English major now. :P

I thought that you started the story really well - talking about how things had gotten worse instead of better was really intriguing, and you used it to give a great segue into St. Mungo's and Kaya's mindset. The hierarchy and the idea of "true healers" was really interesting and realistic to me, and I found the setting and Kaya herself to be compelling. My only issue with the concept is that I would have liked for you to give a little more of a reason for why the world has gotten more perilous rather than less - Voldemort is no longer in control of the Ministry, so I think that it's important for you to back it up a bit more from the outset, you know?

I found Ashlyn less interesting than Kaya, but I think that's just a matter of taste; I thought that showing them both and showing how different their frames of mind are was great and really helped to highlight what different lives they're leading. The only trouble I had with Ashlyn was that I felt like there were a few points where she felt a bit less realistic to me than Kaya did - for example, she comes home and immediately reapplies her makeup. Typically, being out all night leaves you needing a shower, at least in my experience, and I don't know any girls who reapply makeup hours before they plan to leave, you know? It also seemed odd that she didn't know what hospital Kaya was at - isn't there only one?

On the whole, though, I'm very intrigued. I think that you've done a great job at setting the stage for your story, especially for Kaya's section. If you found this helpful, please feel free to rerequest! :)

Author's Response: Hello :)

Thank you. It took me forever and I'm still not 100% happy with it, but still thank you :)

The version I have of Word doesn't have a very good spell check and sometimes messes up and auto-corrects words hence some of the spelling mistake. Thank you for pointing out the dialogue tags, it's not something any of my English teachers really went through.

That is definitely a good point, I will try and slip some explanation into Chapter Three somehow.

Ashlyn is sort of the exact opposite of Kaya, while Kaya is sweet and completely focused on what she's doing. Ashlyn is more...messed up, she's sort of the rebel of the family really. I know a few girls who refuse to go without makeup for even the shortest time- that's really where that idea came from. I sort of toggled with the idea that Ashlyn really had no clue what her sister was doing, I might fix that up to make more sense.

Thank you very much. Kaya is definitely my favourite character to write so I'm glad you enjoyed reading her. Once again, Thank you for the amazing review.

x Ely


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