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Review:Beeezie says:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!

I was very excited to read this, because Theodore/Daphne is definitely one of my ships, to the extent that reading about them with anyone else feels odd to me. (I have no idea why.)

I was not disappointed.

I loved so many of your descriptions. "The knocking at the door rattling off the bare walls in a haunting harmony" was eerie, and I loved the way that you reused it and Astoria toward the end. My two favorites were probably "A question is born and dies on her lips, for the answer spreads through her veins like poison. She only borrows his love" and "Besotted with blindness, the grotesque and repulsive is ignored. She only looks beautiful to him." I thought that they captured Daphne's and Theodore's feelings perfectly. I did feel like I wanted to see a little more to help convince me of Theodore's fixation, early on, but other than that, it was lovely.

Your syntax wasn't always technically correct, but for a piece like this, I don't think it matters. I'm the queen of proper grammar, and nothing I saw jerked me out of the story at all. I thought it flowed well from section to section, and I loved the way you built on what you laid out earlier without my ever feeling like you were just rehashing old ground.

This is very minor, but there were a few sentences that I didn't love.

"He murmurs sweet nothings that rarely lead to something" (Act I, i, 2nd paragraph). I felt like "anything" would be a better fit than "something" here.

"Isolation sleeps deeply" (Act I, iii, 2nd paragraph). I wasn't really sure that this was conveying what you wanted it to convey - "Isolation sleeps deeply" indicates to me, at least, that there isn't much isolation. Isolation shrouding the landscape or permeating the landscape would have worked better, for me.

"But he finds her eventually, finally, momentarily captivated" (Act 2, v, 2nd paragraph). Having eventually, finally, and momentarily all together didn't work for me, and I wished you'd just picked two.

I also think that you have a typo - "Aren't worth more than what I look like?" (Act 3, xii, 7th paragraph). Shouldn't that be "Aren't I worth more than what I look like?"

At any rate: those were the only issues I had. This was lovely and pretty close to flawless. I really enjoyed reading it, and I'm very glad you requested a review! (Even though I'm afraid that you might find this entirely unhelpful.)

Author's Response: Wow, thank you for the amazing feedback! This is such a helpful review :)

I'm so excited to find a Theo/Daphne shipper. I always think of them as a really obscure ship, so it's nice to find someone else who sees them together. With regards to Theo's obsession, I also thought it needed more at the start. In my original plan, I had a lot more scenes planned for the first two acts regarding Theo, but I couldn't seem to write it without getting repetitive or redundant. I think I may look into adding some more scenes at later date.

I'm also really picky with grammar, but when I write things like this it all seems to fly out the window haha. I really wanted to create smooth and flowy reading, much like a ballet, and I was hoping the crazy grammar would help in breaking down the structure of normal sentences.

Thank you for point out those corrections/suggestions - I have just changed everything you said (except the isolation line, because that requires more thought than I can muster at 9am on a Friday). Though I have to say, I really don't like the isolation line. When I reread this, I knew it didn't actually make sense but I honestly didn't think anyone would pick up on it. But you did, and I'm sort of glad for that!

Thank you for the amazing review :)

Marina



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