Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
First off - this story was awesome. I just wanted to get that out there before I start going into more detail. I'm doing this challenge as well, and you are totally going to beat me. :P
I thought I'd approach this in sections.
1st section: "In the end, the goal wasn't worth the pursuit."
- I liked the ending line of this section a lot, and I felt like it fit perfectly with the story you told in it. I felt like it set up Barty Jr.'s character terrifically; I could see how he turned into what he did, but you also made sure to keep it realistic, given that he was a small child. The insight into his mother was also great. I honestly have nothing bad to say about this section at all!
2nd section: "In the end, the prize wasn't worth the promise."
- I thought that this was great. The ending line fit this perfectly. I initially thought that this was a snippet from his teen years (like, while he was still in school), but I loved it when it turned out to be right after they tortured Frank and Alice. This felt quite true to his character as we see it in the books. You depicted him as someone skilled at deception by showing us his interaction with an OC, and that really brought him alive to me, since that's exactly how he managed to fool so many people. My only problem was that given how soon after Voldemort's downfall it was, I would have liked to see more emphasis on Voldemort himself.
3rd section: "In the end, the consequence wasn't worth the complaining."
- I thought that the section itself was terrific. His feelings about Bellatrix, your depiction of Azkaban, it's all absolutely terrific. I really got a picture in my mind of what it was like, and I was creeped out. However, the ending line seemed less smooth and clear than your first two; I wasn't quite sure what it was referring to, and it was just aesthetically a bit clunky.
4th section: "In the end, the convenience wasn't worth the cruelty."
- I liked this section a lot, and thought that the ending line was great. My major difficulty was actually in his interactions with Winky; she was clearly very fond of him, and I'd have liked to see some hint of why, especially given the ending line. That was really my only issue, though.
5th section: "In the end, the triumph would be worth the trouble."
- I liked the ending line here, too, and I thought that the general tone of the section was good. However, there were a few details that bothered me. What corpses was he stepping over? Wasn't Barty Jr. rescued by Voldemort after the Cup, and wasn't Moody attacked just before the start of school? Again, ending line was great; it really showed an evolution, and I think that it seems quite consistent than what we know about him. There were just a few details that didn't fit.
6th section: "In the end, the enemies weren't worth the friendships."
- As with section 3, I didn't love this ending. It's not awkwardly phrased, but it didn't seem to fit as well with the rest of the section, you know? I wasn't sure what you'd talked about for it to make sense for him to juxtapose friends and enemies like that. Other than that, the section is great. Again, I think that Barty Jr. feels perfectly in character. The ending just left me a little disappointed.
7th section: "In the end, as it turns out, the secret's not worth keeping."
- So this, I think was really what you were worried about. You don't need to be. In fact, I'd cut out "as it turns out." The quote all on its own works perfectly here. The rest of the section was also quite strong. However, I felt like I'd have liked a description of what the dementor looked like, and the dementor moving toward him felt a bit too drawn out. I'd have also liked him to give them a bit more of an answer. That's not necessary, it would just be nice.
On the whole, again, this is a great piece. :) Those are all minor concerns. He absolutely seems like the Barty from canon, with your own twist, and I thought that your integration of the quote was great.
Author's Response: Oh, my, what a comprehensive review! I can't possibly express how much it means to me that you took the time to really examine each and every part of the piece. Thank you so much!
Firstly, thanks for your feedback on the endings. I agree that some of them were more forced than others, as it felt that way while writing. I was torn about whether or not I should try to neatly establish a theme, this being a quote challenge, and maybe I should have leaned the other way. Anyway, I'm happy about the ones that did work for you, especially the last one, as that's the one that "really" matters the most.
You make a great point about section 2. I should have done more research into the event, as I agree that I should have talked more about Voldemort. Perhaps my train of thought was focused more on Barty and the girl at that point. Anyway, great feedback.
As for section 4, I'm not sure I was trying to establish fondness with Winky. This was right when she started to serve him and work for him, and I was more trying to create an environment of fearfulness for her. He's torn between his natural cruelty and his desire to please his mother, even as she's dying. Anyway, again, good point. I'll keep it in mind.
The details in section 5 may be a bit off; I didn't research that as well as the others, and I'm not sure why. I do think there may have been a couple of dead bodies, though, what with the Death Eaters running amuck. I took the scene with Barty at the Cup from the film, so the canon timeline may be wrong there.
With section 6, I was trying to establish Barty's isolation from the other Death Eaters. He feels a little differently than he did in the Azkaban scene, and he focuses on the fact that he's bigger and badder than them, so to speak. His speech to Harry at the end of the book/film illustrates this perspective. I'm sorry if I didn't make that for clear for you!
Imagery is usually my strong suit, so I apologize for not including more about the Dementor. That's definitely a valid point. I drew out the advance on purpose, though, so that I would have time to illustrate his thoughts fully and show his deliberation.
If it's canon Barty with a twist, then I accomplished my goal. Again, thanks so much for your feedback! It really does mean a lot.