Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Roots in Water says:
It's Roots in Water here with your review!

This was quite funny. I really enjoyed the idea and I thought that the code names were really cute. I think you captured the characteristics and dialogue of a little kid very well, especially when Hugo said that Santa was allergic to milk.

Your dialogue was great! It seemed really natural and flowed really smoothly from one sentence to another. The only thing I noticed about the dialogue was one sentence said by Ginny in the beginning. James had just said that Christmas was for babies who still believe that Santa is real to which Ginny replies that it's not just about the presents. I can see the link (Santa = presents), but I also think that you should try to make the connection between the two sentences a little more clear. It almost sounds (to me) like there's a part missing there.

However I think that you did a great job with the description. I thought that the cupcake description definitely helped to set the "Christmas" mood and later the description of them in lopsided red hats was amusing. "Trying to blend in seamlessly with the decoration"- ha.

The only thing I would suggest adding is a whispered conversation between James and Rose/Albus/Lily saying that they were right and Santa did exist. I feel that it would help to wrap up that end a little more- what little kid hasn't bragged about being right?

Your action was great. There probably wouldn't be a lot of action on a night-time stakeout, so it was appropriate that some of them fell asleep.

I loved the touch you added with the Mr and Ms Claus making the rounds. Were they Harry and Ginny? Anyways, the polyjuice touch was a brilliant idea.

All in all I really enjoyed reading this story. Thanks for requesting a review and I hope my comments are helpful!

Author's Response: Hi!! Thanks! I'm glad you found it funny :D

Yeah, I'll look over that patch of dialogue, you're totally right, its missing a connection there. Thanks for pointing that out! Haha! I do love food descriptions and cupcakes are scrumptious.

Adding a conversation between the children is a good idea, but I don't know if it would fit in with the way the story ended. The story takes a turn of POV away from the children and to "Santa and Ms Claus". But, it would make sense to probably add that as they were running up the stair? I don't know, but I shall look into it.

Yeah, it was Harry and Ginny :)

Thank you so much! This was really helpful ^_^


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 569
Submit Report: