Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:leannemariesnape says:
Hello! Here with your review! This is a good start to the story, and I'm intregued about what direction this story is going to take. I like the friendship between Dom and Fred. It's not really a friendship that is spoken about all that much, so for that reason, it was interesting to read.

I also liked the speech between the characters. It seemed very natural and flowed well, which I think makes up for a lack of description in the story.

There were some things in the story that made it seem a little bit awkward. For example, the bit about James becoming a beater: “I guess they took your order to keep their mouths shut very seriously.”

Teddy’s confusion cleared immediately. “Are you joking?” Fred shook his head. “You’re giving James a Beater’s bat?”
In these lines, I feel like there's a missing piece of dialogue because Teddy goes from not having a clue who the beaters are, to questioning whether or not James is suitable for the position. (Although if that was intentional, and I maybe read it wrong, feel free to shoot me :P )

Characterisation is difficult to comment on because of how little we know about the next-gen kids, but I think you wrote them all really well. It is interesting to see that Fred and Vic are the resident pranksters of the school, rather than James and an OC or... cousin. Your Victoire is also really interesting. I like how she's chosen a career path that is less popular than other things, and I like her resistance to people's opinion of it. Also, Teddy seems like a really nice guy.

As to dialogue, there is quite a lot, but it seems very natural, and as I said before, as there is little description in the story it doesn't matter that much and it doesn't take a lot away from the story. Plus, it would be almost impossible to write this scene with less dialogue. It is just the nature of this chapter. However, if you do want to reduce the amount of dialogue, then you could take certain things out and just have Vic thinking of them- for example, when they talk about setting off the fireworks rather than speaking about them.

Overall, this was a really good first chapter, with some good solid, and natural dialogue, and I really enjoyed it.

I hope this review was somewhat helpful. :)

Leanne

Author's Response: It was very helpful, thank you! :)

I can see what you mean about Teddy suddenly understanding what Fred was talking about... my intention was that he understood because Fred and Victoire expected him to, and there aren't that many people he knows at Hogwarts who he would hear about. When I edit the chapter to put my chapter image up, maybe I'll switch that around a little. :)

I'm glad you think that the dialogue/description is natural. Maybe I'll add a bit more in, but since you think it's good the way it is, I won't stress too much. :)

It's actually a funny story - Fred & Victoire and James & Roxanne are kind of both pranksters (and Lily gets into it as well sometimes). They definitely pull different sorts of things, though, and Fred and Victoire are so much older than James and Roxanne that their time at school doesn't overlap very much.

I'm glad you like her chosen career path! :) The DCB actually makes frequent appearances in my fics, and I'm very attached to it.

Thank you so much for your review. It was definitely very helpful!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 354
Submit Report: