And onto your next story! I know you said I could only pick one, but I will do both. :)
And another brilliant story it was. You are really great with the descriptions. Honestly. And all that little detail. I don't know how you think of it to get it in there like that, but you just slip it in there perfectly like it's the easiest thing on the earth. :)
In yet another story, you had a beautiful opening. You pulled the reader right in, and I was immediately compelled to read further and learn more. You described the weather perfectly and beautifully. I could almost feel that rain, and then you said the night was still. While it's so contradictory, I find it to be a perfect description that fits beautifully. Swell job. :)
And Hermione! Ah, what's she doing there? You ended it perfectly as well. What a cliff hanger. You kept the reader on the edge of their seat the entire time, kept me enthralled and wanting to know what was going on. Then you had to end it like that. Perfect job, and a perfect first chapter to a fic, I feel. I feel like that's how it's supposed to go! Well done. :)
I think you wrote Draco and Blaise perfectly. They seemed very in character, those bad Slytherins. :P What are the bad boys up to now?
And Seamus! What an odd character to throw in there. I can't wait to see how you put him in the picture.
So, you asked for me to look at grammar, and I kept that in mind while reading your piece. I have come to realize that there are so many different styles of writing out there that others think are accurate because its what they learned. So, ultimately, I don't know the true way to go about the whole grammar situation. It's one of those gray areas where I just feel like someone should shout out, "the truth is out there!" :P
But anyways. If I were to give the perspective from my grammar point of view, there were just a few things I noticed about your style that would be considered inaccurate from what I've learned. This is how I would critique it:
"They couldn't have gone far, Wolloby." A women answered gasping as she caught her breath.
Just a few things that would change. After 'Wolloby' there would be a comma instead of a period because the rest of the sentence 'a woman answered...' is the continuation of that sentence. It isn't separate. And the word that follows dialogue when dialogue is in the front of a paragraph does not need to be capitalized if it isn't a name. So "dialogue," said he. Or "dialoge," he said. All comma, uncapitalized. Any different would be "dialogue," Draco said.
But that's just how I learned it. It's possible that you could have learned differently, and so it's just perspective. :) But that's my two cents about the grammar. Everything else seems to be fine!
Really well done with this chapter! Thank you for requesting this as well! I hope my input helped! :)
Author's Response: Hello ^_^ I know I am terribly sorry, that it has taken me so long too reply to this message, but it does take a little while when RL gets in your face :( Horrible thing it is!!
Anyway, Nawww, your too kind *blushes* I had actually another comment about that part, and so I changed it, :/ hopefully it still makes sense and appeals to you though :/ x
Poor Hermione, she can't remember much at all. :( All becuase of the chasers. :( It sucks really, but I do love a cliff hanger ^_^
Bad boys? Never. Not in this story anyway. They can't be bad when their in a world like they are :/ poor buggers ;) lol
:O No, not odd! Loveable *inserts hearts and hugs here* I adore Seamus, his my favouritest character!!! ^_^
I know what you mean. Where each taught something different that we honestly don't kow what is right and wrong. But I've learnt all about dialogues now ^_^ So I use them more often :P
Your input always helps ;)
I'll request again soon ^_^ x