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Review:Phoenix_Flames says:
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested!

And holy cow! I'm so glad you did. Already in this first chapter, I can tell that you have a wonderful story set up here. You set up a great, mysterious atmosphere. Seriously, this was a brilliant first chapter.

It started off so mysteriously, and I was on the edge of my seat and so intrigued. I wanted to know what was going on so badly, and I was so confused about what you had here, butI was so eager to learn more. The way you worded your sentences and pieced them together added to the sense of mystery in this story, and it was wonderful. You did it fantastically.

I am so curious to see what is going on here. You are obviously quite good at your mystery and know what you have going on here. ;) That's wonderful.

So, plot wise I can't give you much other than the fact that you have perfectly set up the most wonderful mystery here.

And the girl who doesn't know who she is, what she is, or where she comes from either is even more perfect and original. She seems great, and I'm just so excited to see what you have going on here. This is so clever!

Your flow was perfect. You didn't dwell too much on anything; it was all spaced beautifully and mixed perfectly with the actions, dialogue, descriptions, thoughts, etc. So well done with that!

I see that you are curious about your characters. I can't gigve you much input on the main characteer yet, but I'm sure that will change as the story develops, and everyone seems great personality wise. I think you have done a fine job with that.

The only thing I spotted that I believe could use some work character-wise is this:

"I think we must Lupin, we are not going to get a direct answer from her if we don't." Lupin sighed.

"I hoped it wouldn't come to this." Lupin then pulled out a small flask from his robes."


Ah. Looking it over now, I see that Terry is the speaker of the first paragraph, but the way you have set it up makes the reader first assume that Lupin has said the first line because his name is directly paired with it. Maybe I'm the only one who feels like this way, but I would suggest to separate the different dialogues and actions of different characters into different paragraphs to avoid confusion. But that's it. :)

So that's my two cents about the characterts so far. As for their personalities and development, it is going wonderfully. I would just suggest ordering the names in the actions and dialogue different to make sure we know there has been a transition between the two. :)

And then one thing I passed that I thought I could point out:

Where you were today?"

I'm pretty sure you are wanting this to say 'where were you today?' Just thought I would point that out. :)

All in all, I think you are off to a great start! Swell job. You clearly know what you are doing and I am so impressed. Wonderful!

My queue has currently exploded out of no where, so I am going to empty it out and return for the next chapter. However, if you haven't heard from me in a day or two, feel free to come request again! :) Thank you!

Author's Response: ah! you found this old thing! I need to delete this one so it doesn't get confused with the other. I'm actually looking for reviews for La Mascarade which used to be called Guiding Light :D

But anyhoo, thank you so much for reading this and thinking it was good. You review is so lovely and flattering and i'm shocked you are so complimentary of this 4 year old story! I cringe when i read it! I'm glad you enjoyed this first chapter though... :D


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