Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Phoenix_Flames says:
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested!

And holy cow! I'm so glad you did. Already in this first chapter, I can tell that you have a wonderful story set up here. You set up a great, mysterious atmosphere. Seriously, this was a brilliant first chapter.

It started off so mysteriously, and I was on the edge of my seat and so intrigued. I wanted to know what was going on so badly, and I was so confused about what you had here, butI was so eager to learn more. The way you worded your sentences and pieced them together added to the sense of mystery in this story, and it was wonderful. You did it fantastically.

I am so curious to see what is going on here. You are obviously quite good at your mystery and know what you have going on here. ;) That's wonderful.

So, plot wise I can't give you much other than the fact that you have perfectly set up the most wonderful mystery here.

And the girl who doesn't know who she is, what she is, or where she comes from either is even more perfect and original. She seems great, and I'm just so excited to see what you have going on here. This is so clever!

Your flow was perfect. You didn't dwell too much on anything; it was all spaced beautifully and mixed perfectly with the actions, dialogue, descriptions, thoughts, etc. So well done with that!

I see that you are curious about your characters. I can't gigve you much input on the main characteer yet, but I'm sure that will change as the story develops, and everyone seems great personality wise. I think you have done a fine job with that.

The only thing I spotted that I believe could use some work character-wise is this:

"I think we must Lupin, we are not going to get a direct answer from her if we don't." Lupin sighed.

"I hoped it wouldn't come to this." Lupin then pulled out a small flask from his robes."

Ah. Looking it over now, I see that Terry is the speaker of the first paragraph, but the way you have set it up makes the reader first assume that Lupin has said the first line because his name is directly paired with it. Maybe I'm the only one who feels like this way, but I would suggest to separate the different dialogues and actions of different characters into different paragraphs to avoid confusion. But that's it. :)

So that's my two cents about the characterts so far. As for their personalities and development, it is going wonderfully. I would just suggest ordering the names in the actions and dialogue different to make sure we know there has been a transition between the two. :)

And then one thing I passed that I thought I could point out:

Where you were today?"

I'm pretty sure you are wanting this to say 'where were you today?' Just thought I would point that out. :)

All in all, I think you are off to a great start! Swell job. You clearly know what you are doing and I am so impressed. Wonderful!

My queue has currently exploded out of no where, so I am going to empty it out and return for the next chapter. However, if you haven't heard from me in a day or two, feel free to come request again! :) Thank you!

Author's Response: ah! you found this old thing! I need to delete this one so it doesn't get confused with the other. I'm actually looking for reviews for La Mascarade which used to be called Guiding Light :D

But anyhoo, thank you so much for reading this and thinking it was good. You review is so lovely and flattering and i'm shocked you are so complimentary of this 4 year old story! I cringe when i read it! I'm glad you enjoyed this first chapter though... :D

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net