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Review:DracoFerret11 says:
Well then! It's DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you.

Great job with this story! I think it was very well-written. You did quite nicely with the present tense (a couple of slip-ups, but nothing major), and the first-person POV was well done as well. There were a couple of moments where Rose was refering to Scorpius as "you," but then you would say something like "Scorpius said," etc. You'll want to keep it consistent, you know? If you're using "you," do it all the time.

The only thing I might comment on that you might want to consider is adding more dialogue or descriptions. The way this reads is sort of like a history book or something. It's a little flat because you're just hearing a simple view of Rose's thoughts. You don't get much of anything else which leaves a lot wanting, you know?

I think you did very well here, even if there are a couple things you need to work on. The execution was a bit shaky, but the idea was wonderful. I loved the plot. (Side note: Scorpius crouching and putting his head on Rose's stomach seemed like an awkward gesture...) Your characterization was very good and I think you kept things understandable, though. Good job!

Only other thing I might change is the capitalization of the title. "Watching Me, Watching You" instead of "Watching me watching you." Just personal preferance there, though. :]

Great job! Thanks for visiting my review thread!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Author's Response: Thank you for your thoughts and critique. I've had this story beta read now (and it's in the queue for validation) so all the "Scorpius said's" have not been corrected to keep things consistent. It was one of my challenges moving from third to first person.

I do want to keep this more as Rose's thoughts than anything else. I may see of there is some places I can add more description or detail but I don't want any more dialogue. I want it to be more of her internal monologue about a crush she knows she has, about a guy she just can't read.

Thanks for the review :)



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