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Review:forsakenphoenix says:
I am not a big Next Gen fan but I've done a lot of reading this summer and I'm starting to like it. I've read a few ScoRose stories and I enjoyed this one a lot, even if it was written in first person which is not a favorite of mine. I did notice that you kept switching between 'you' and 'Scorpius' so it was hard to tell what point of view you were writing in. You did a fairly good job staying in present tense though you did write a few sentences in the past tense.

Examples:

Then he turned to me "Come with me Rose."

we met Hagrid by his hut for our detention

Also, with that first example there should be a period after 'me.'

Is Scorpius in Gryffindor then? Since they're in the same CR...

A few other mistakes I noticed:

I tried my hardest to concentrate on discussing the potion at hand and to hide all the cliqued sensations of love that were flooding my system. - I think cliqued should be cliched? Otherwise it doesn't really make sense.

You have some issues with no capitalizing proper nouns, more specifically Peeves and I think Care of Magical Creatures wasn't capitalized.

I shouldn't have been surprise at - this sounds awkward...I think that it should be 'surprised' but that's not present tense so you may want to rework that sentence a bit.

"Are you okay," I ask at your pitiful figure - there should be a question mark, not a comma since Rose is asking Scorpius a question

rain coast - rain coat

"That is has," I reply, - is should be it

Otherwise, this was a really enjoyable read. It was interesting to get inside Rose's head as she admitted that she had a crush on Scorpius and how hard she tried to not be like all the other girls. I love reading first kisses! There's something so innocent and sweet about them and this is no exception. :)

I really liked the last line: The only question now is, when did I break you? I think it was a great way to end this story because we hear everything from Rose's POV so it leaves us wondering when exactly it was that Scorpius began noticing her as more than a friend, especially because he isn't one for relationships.

A very cute, enjoyable read. Good job. :)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for such a details review. I've got a beta reader to go through this one for me because I know I would have missed heaps of the past and present tense things when I edited it. I'm waiting for the edited version now.

I'm glad you liked the end. Sometimes I agonisise over how to end a story, but this one really did just write itself. I'm glad you liked my rendition of a first kiss; the situation is loosely inspired by a true story, except the paddock was full of cows not blast ended shreets (thankfully).

Thanks again for this review, it has been super helpful :)


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